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Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?
Mental Health | Last Active: Dec 29, 2025 | Replies (227)Comment receiving replies
Sadly, it's been over 3 1/2 years and there has been no improvement in my son.
But I haven't even taken the first step yet...I had plans this month to visit him but he had lots of reasons not to fly out to him.
He is "expected" here for Christmas. I must take that agonizing first step in addressing not "confronting" this situation head on. I believe I have been afraid of losing him, so I held back fully knowing his abuse goes on.
My husband (not his Dad) always wanted us to have a nice Christmas and not to rock the boat with him. At those times, I agreed with him. However, Christmas was always ruined anyway...so I must expect the same for 2025.
I even believe I have been in denial. He lives so far away from me, it's been easy to do that. Our phone contacts are now limited - only thanks to him, not me. He is calling the shots. He will deny, deny, deny and very well might leave immediately and head back home. Once this can of worms is open there is no going back. It will always be there between the 2 of us. From his childhood, he was always so close to me. Since is...but it's much different now. His Dad lives in the south and simply thinks he has a "mental illness" (which he does have too) but I haven't told him about his prescription drug abuse yet. Why? He is basically no help at all. Never really was with him, it was always all me from the get-go. He wants nothing to upset "his" apple-cart.
I am very afraid of this. But I can no longer keep my head in the sand. Once we have this conversation I will tell his father. I will approach my son in a supportive, kind and loving manner...offering to help him in anyway possible. Of course, he will refused because he "doesn't have a problem?"...that is what I am expecting.
Any thoughts from other Moms would be appreciated in how to approach this heart-breaking situation.
I feel it's a lose-lose situation. BUT I will feel better in my mind when I bring it out in the open. After all, this abuse can kill him. Thank you.
Replies to "Sadly, it's been over 3 1/2 years and there has been no improvement in my son...."
@briarrose —This might seem too simplistic, but what if you called a moratorium on any discussion of mental health and treatment?
Discussing it gets you nowhere, and it just increases his anger and suspicion.
On top of his losses, he has now lost his therapist who might have been helping him. I can see why he wouldn’t want to go through that again—and risk losing another one. Ideally, the therapist would have announced her leaving a few months beforehand and would have actively suggested names of other therapists. She could’ve had him make an appt. w/ one to let him “test the waters.” If that one didn’t work out, another could’ve been proposed. Few of them do that. Many therapists don’t understand how important they can become to a patient. Odd, but true.
I doubt that he is a paranoid personality disorder since you state he was different before these losses and was close to you. That’s not the picture of a PPD.
I think what I would do in this situation is keep the lines of communication open. Continue to be his friend as well as his loving mother. I’d write a note on a pretty note card weekly (or at another interval) telling him what was going on with me. It could be just a chatty, short note. Include some jokes or little stories, or pictures or photos that you like. Send him little gifts or baked items—treats you know he loves.
The point of this is to re-establish that you are safe and can provide a safe space. I’m not necessarily suggesting he visit. You might visit him tho’ once this safety has been established. You want to be what others haven’t been: present, unruffled and loving. The message is that you have always been there for him and will always be.
When people suffer major losses, they don’t just suffer from the pain of loss. They are stuck wondering why. That almost always leads to over-examination of what they did wrong, if anything. If he was involved w/ a self-centered person w/ low empathy (narcissistic), those kind of people can be very difficult to extract oneself from, in part because they take little to no responsibility for the rupture and often excessively fault find.
If your son was a giving person who was empathic, he would’ve been a target for narcissists.
@briarrose I truly believe confronting him is not the way to go. You won’t get any answers, he will probably leave and cut you off ( until he needs something)
It is really REALLY hard not knowing, but if you want to keep him in your life, you just have to keep letting him know you love him and he is safe and not judged.
I work on this everyday and now trying to make my husband understand as well. He keeps saying that I need to confront him, and that it is him— not the disease.
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@briarrose It might kill you first from worrying about him. How old is he? If over 21 you can't control him. Send him cards letting him know you care and go on with your life.I say this because I went thru a similar situation. Its been over 20 years for me.