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My wife is furious at me 3 weeks post RARP
Prostate Cancer | Last Active: Nov 30 8:17pm | Replies (66)Comment receiving replies
Hey
I've been quiet on here for the last few months, but back in February my husband got diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer and pet scan showed it all over his body too! (no side effects other than peeing often and a bit in the bedroom, but we had a lots of stress last year) So here's my perspective as a wife in this!
Once we got the terrible news and that treatment for my husband was chemical castration (ADT and chemo) he refused! that was his manhood!! I pleaded with him to do it, that I don't care about the sex life (married almost 27yrs) that I'd rather have a husband and no sex life vs a dead husband and still no sex life! That if I got aggressive breast cancer and the treatment would be to cut them off, I'd do it!! For the family!! Take the ADT, we can have hot flashed and night sweats and mood swings together! LOL (I'm 47)
He finally came around to the ADT but it was quite a struggle and no fun, we were both angry! it took a while to come around to chemo as well, but he did it this summer!
About a month ago we TRIED it, he took two "happy pills" and it DID work, but he said there was no feeling, no lust in it, it was very mechanical, because he has no testosterone! It was kinda sad, but I just wanted to see if we could do it.
There's other ways to be close, snuggling on the couch watching sappy movies, going for a walk with the dog and talking.
But it sure is such a strange feeling, knowing my husband has terminal cancer, that I'll be a widow sooner than later... I know we all die some day, but to have a date closer than you think! Will it be 3 years, 5, 10??? we don't know.
I'm happy he's alive and now honestly I'll be happy if he makes it 10 more..... We still have kids at home, the youngest just turned 10, so if they were all adults by that time, it would be so much easier for us/me.
But God only knows! We could die tomorrow in a car accident!
I'm just saying that she's not angry at you, she's angry at the cancer, angry at the situation, because she loves you!
Hang in there! and give it time..... maybe in a few months a happy pill or two could work?? I don't know. it's just a lot to process for everyone.
Replies to "Hey I've been quiet on here for the last few months, but back in February my..."
@beaquilter: "I'd rather have a husband and no sex life vs a dead husband and still no sex life!"
This is where the rubber meets the road!
When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer & RARP, the surgeon told me that there was some biopsy evidence that the cancer had reached the surface of the prostate. He asked me if I wanted nerve-sparing surgery.
It took me THREE SECONDS to decide, using the metric above. I also asked myself, what would be my regrets if I made the wrong decision.
I have no regrets.
For some people, the possibility/probability of dying before one plans to, comes as a rude shock, particularly for younger people. It's best to have a realistic view of life & health that plans for the unplanned. That's probably as much as I should say in this discussion.
@beaquilter Warms my heart reading about the connectedness and vulnerableness you share with your husband - bravo.
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@beaquilter ADT = castration. Most men feel totally emasculated by castration and/or ED. I don’t think most women understand the psychological impact. Women understand the hot flashes and emotional lability as well as the crying, weight gain and muscle and bone loss if they have experienced menopause, but feeling deep in your core that you have lost your manhood is difficult for men. It isn’t just losing your manhood. It is also losing your youth and your vitality. For me, lots of exercise, meditation, keeping mentally active, spending lots of time with my grandkids, playing music with my wife, cooking, eating well and having a loving partner have made this difficult time an opportunity for growth (not the cancerous kind I hope). My wife and I are working on ourselves and our relationship daily. It gives us purpose. Go for it! What are you waiting for?