@bill2001
I completely understand your decision, stubborn or not, and feel similarly about my situation. The cost of care at a respectable facility is unmanageable and I am doubtful that I or my husband would be happy with the care, quality of the food, and the environment. As you stated, the time may come when I have no other choice, but to do it at this stage feels financially wasteful and unnecessary. As you stated, I would still be alone, maybe I would feel even more alone without the remnants of my husband’s being in the house. Sometimes I sit with him and try to remember what it was like before the onset of this insidious disease. I’m 8 years in and it’s getting harder to remember what it was like “before”.
I too feel blessed. I was able to stop working full time at an earlier age than planned to care for him and can draw on my hard-earned savings for our expenses in “retirement”. This is certainly not the retirement that we had planned, but it’s what we have. Each time he loses a little more of his independence and abilities, it seems like I am losing the battle, even though I know there is no way to “win”. I recently bought him all pants with elastic waists to make it easier for him to use the bathroom independently. It was difficult to get the belt, snaps and zipper down in time to avoid an accident. While this solution resolved the problem (for now) it seems like another loss and another step into that future where he is totally dependent on me. He can still independently shower and dress although I have to prompt him to do so and it is taking longer and longer for him to accomplish these tasks. It is very lonely and it seems that these small losses mean more to me than to others - it seems like such a small thing to others but to me it just makes me so sad.
Thank you for your prayers - I need them - and I will continue to pray for you and for everyone dealing with this type of situation that we all have strength, wisdom and peace.