@pml Thank you for reaching out. I try very hard to focus on the love and care I have in my life, but it still percolates up and the tears come back. I struggle with wanting to know the WHY behind his choice to completely go no contact. Is being kind to me and keeping in touch with me somehow being disloyal to his wife?

I watch and rewatch the recording of their wedding dance, and when I look at the expression on his face, I see a son I barely recognize. His expression is a pasted on smile and a robotic cocking of his head back and forth to the music... like he's acting the part...no genuine look of joy on his face. Maybe he HAS been brainwashed.

I had a weak moment and reached out on his Instant Message account on FB which I guess he hasn't blocked, because the messages keep saying delivered on my end. I said "Do you really wish I was dead and gone? Do you really feel I am such a horrible person that you can't even talk to me? If you want me out of your life, I'll go, but I want to talk to JUST YOU f2f. I want to hear it from your lips." I don't know if he'll read that...but it's how I feel...be a man and tell me to get lost if you sincerely feel there is NOTHING redeemable about our relationship.

I was ANGRY out of the blue yesterday, I don't know why... I'm not that kind of person. I don't hate or wish il will on people...but the injustice of simply being denied the opportunity to hear why my son feels the way he feels, and not giving me a chance to respond, was making me furious. I started thinking mean, horrible thoughts about him and his wife...and then I was filled with shame and sadness for thinking like that.

I've prayed. Believe me....I have prayed for God to open a window...to change their hearts... to help me be strong and stop grieving a lost relationship that I'll never have again. I thought...after a few months...he'll reach out and we'll get over this and at least be cordial again. But it's been over 7 months, and nothing. I have begged my ex-husband to try and get him aside as ask him why he won't reach out. My ex says he initially urged him to reach out, but he is staying out of it now, and asking me to be patient and let him come to me.

If this continues on....I wonder how I will feel if he ever does come to me? Will I cry with relief and embrace him, or will I guard my heart and treat him with cool indifference? I guess only God knows.