I could have written what you wrote, including the rocky relationship with deteriorating mother who I love. They are trying to push TMS and Ketamine on me and I am scared to death to do either. Meds just don't work even though I'm on a bunch. I'm afraid they'll drop me if I don't do what they want. I have severe anxiety/panic disorder, depression and si. I sympathize with you. It's not a life at all.