@tomrennie All that you said was very well written. Two of the points especially hit home. Like I said earlier. I have not allowed myself to to cry. I didn't want anyone seeing me do so. Reading your post, I think the tears came before I even realized it. This whole cancer experience has brought up a lot of past memories I went through with my mother who had breast cancer. I cried alot back then. But, as you said it is different viewed from the perspective of it happening to another.
The other thing you mentioned was children having cancer. I have worked with children as a ECE teacher and a professional nanny for over 30 years. I have a closet full of toys I really want to be using again. I also have a medical background. Bottom line, I've spent most of my life caring for others. Working in a NICU was suggested to me by a friend. That still is an option. But working with children having cancer really touched me. Excellent idea. As for what you have experienced, I had a friend who was hospitalized with pancreatitis. She was in severe pain. I can't image having cancer of the pancreas, which is another reason I did not allow myself to cry. I have seen some suffering in clinical and hospital settings and it is so true, someone ALWAYS has something much worse. Thank you so much for your post. It was well thought out and expressed. You may have a book in you.