@triciaann99
I have been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks throughout my life that worsened during my one and only pregnancy. Starting in 2023, I sunk into a deep depression and have been stuck in that ditch since then. I am 56, a single parent of a teen, have no family at all, permanently disabled (spine issues/cervical spinal cord compression injury/3 spine surgeries and a 4th coming soon and possibly a 5th later in 2026). My depression worsened due to perimenopause and menopause plus job loss in 2023. Luckily, I saved/invested while working over 35 years and qualified for disability first application without a lawyer. Thank God because I don’t know how I would have been able to pay my bills and healthcare coverage and provide for my son.

Many days I wake up depressed because it feels like ground hog day. Same routine, same pain, same limitations but it gets a little better once I wake up, have coffee, move through some of the pain, get my son off to school, etc. I used to work a demanding corporate job and worked over 50-70 hours per week, especially the last 15 years before I lost my job (was part of a large layoff). This took its toll on my health, physically and mentally due to the stress and sting for 10-12 hours at a computer all day. I now have an aversion to using my laptop! 😉

There was a time I could not get out of bed or off the couch due to the crippling nature of my depression. I worked with doctors to try different antidepressants and antipsychotics combinations and nothing helped or made things worse. I have landed on taking only Wellbutrin (bupropion) 450mg per day. I at least mentally want to do things and accomplish something within my physical and energy constraints. I struggle with most chores around my home due to difficulty standing up/using stairs/picking up and carrying things due to weakness and grip issues/balance and dizziness issues, etc.

What I do is manage my day and energy and prioritize what must be done vs things that can wait or what not to worry about. My son and my dogs/cats need me to care for them so that pushes me out of bed each morning. I prioritize their needs, dishes, laundry, bills, shopping, etc. but trying to work back in self care. I have neglected my needs and would like to look forward to physical therapy/exercise (beyond slow walks with my dogs) to recover some strength and energy to do my daily tasks more easily. I would like to get back to getting massages, facials, pedicures, etc. that I used to do for myself and looked forward to. I used to love to read and have many books but haven’t read them due to brain fog/concentration issues. I would like to try to get back to reading physical books and less social media scrolling.

I had gained a lot of weight due to my spine issues/chronic pain and depression and working a job sitting for way too long. My goal is to lose 85 pounds and I have lost 23 so far since raising my Wellbutrin to 450mg/day. I am working on eating less and eating more whole foods when I do eat. The medication seems to help me not use food to cope with pain and depression (it is known to help people quit smoking addition).

My next goal is to slowly tackle my mess of a house since I have totally let it go while my health started to decline in 2017 and especially since COVID made us work from home in 2020. I have a hard time bending over or reaching up to clean anything high or low so I need to try to do what I can, do small corners and complete them before moving on to something else. Small goals getting accomplished helps motivate me to do a little more. I have my son help with heavy lifting and certain tasks I cannot do. I am probably going to look into getting handymen to help me with some things that need attention inside my house. I already have help with landscaping so outside is mostly covered. What I would like to look forward to is a cleaner and more organized home so I may hire someone to come help me organize and purge my garage and basement. Once I get that addressed, I would like to have my walls painted and floors redone. What I need to be careful not to let my very long ‘to do’ list overwhelm me because that makes me more depressed and feel hopeless since it all seems like too much.

Don’t get me wrong. Some days I feel like giving up and escaping life but I know that is not good. My goal is to focus on daily hope and my faith. I have changed my priorities and try to find peace with whatever I can accomplish each day. If I really struggle some days, I try to give myself grace and compassion. I am happy with simple things and simple accomplishments. My pets give me comfort and companionship and I like to help others online with posts for missing pets (working now to try to find a missing rescue husky that was abused with Ring camera sightings and virtually partnering with the owner and rescue group/trappers).

I am thinking I will get back into talk therapy virtually which can help, especially when you are isolated. I used to work with people all the time so ever since so lost my job, I have been isolated at home with my son and pets. I do need more adult interactions, ideally in person so I would like to try to get back to going to church locally when able (some days are hard depending on pain/energy levels or depression making it hard to get ready to leave the house). I used to love to do mys hair and makeup and put outfits together with matching jewelry, etc. but haven’t really cared to do this anymore. I would like to try to get myself caring a little more each day to rediscover and redefine the new me.

Blessings to you on finding daily hope to take one moment at a time and not compare yourself to anyone else. You matter and need to learn to love yourself. I am there with you doing the same.