Am I being selfish?

Posted by mrmacabre @mrmacabre, Oct 16, 2025

I've been dealing with chronic pain and numbness from osteoarthritis and neuropathy for over 10 years now, and I had a thought a couple of days ago. Am I being selfish because most of the things I can or do think about are all centered around myself trying to cope with a very unpleasant existence?
I try to do as many things as possible with my family that I can, especially with our 4 grandkids. I've been trying to create as many memories as I can with them, my grandparents lived several states from us when we were kids, so we rarely saw them. Both our son and our daughter live within driving distance from us, but it's still hard to see them sometimes because of everyone's schedules. But we still try to be involved in their lives whenever possible.
I sometimes wonder if my wife of 43 years thinks that I'm being selfish
when I turn her down if she wants to go for a walk around the block after we've had dinner. Night time is generally my worst time of the day due to the pain in my hips, knees, and feet. I do a considerable amount of the house work during the day since my wife is still working to support us. I do laundry, clean the kitchen, vacuum the house, take out the trash/recycling, I run/empty the dishwasher, and do the maintenance on our vehicles. It's not that I don't want to go for a walk and spend more time with her, I just don't/won't want to add even more pain to what I'm already dealing with.
Is this selfishness?

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gently | @gently | Oct 16, 2025

No. But you may be misguided.
I'd say that none of the things you do in a day are more important than taking that walk with her. If her walks are too long go halfway and then return without her. You may even find that walking eases the pain, Or, you may find that this is not good advice for you. Sometimes we get so focused on getting things done that we lose sight of the very most important thing in life.

nannybb | @nannybb | Oct 17, 2025

I'm assuming you have spoken to your wife and explained. At the end of the day, because of my pain, I feel like I have hit a wall. Sometimes with self talk I can climb over it, sometimes it is impossible. You have to figure out your limits for yourself. It is not being selfish. I will say, it is sometimes hard for others to see you doing a lot around the house and not being able to go for a simple walk later in the evening. Could maybe toning down the daytime load help? Just a thought. It's sweet of your wife to want to spend that time with you, but don't guilt over it.

laura1970 | @laura1970 | Oct 18, 2025

Perhaps you could take a morning walk together, before she goes to work

tomcatrv4 | @tomcatrv4 | Oct 19, 2025

In reply to @laura1970 "Perhaps you could take a morning walk together, before she goes to work" + (show)

@laura1970 fantastic suggestion, that was mine,also figure a way to walk earlier in the day

1kay2 | @1kay2 | Oct 20, 2025

No you are not being selfish! When your body tells you enough is enough you must listen. I didn't and now I am having to have cortisone injections and pain always but my family is not willing to help me, they are too busy. I was always there for them in all my pain but they don't believe the medical experts now that I need them.

jillb329 | @jillb329 | Oct 20, 2025

Other people (family included) don't understand what PN does to your body. You must decide what feels safe and comfortable for you. I try to explain to my husband about how I don't feel safe on our boat, because of my fear of falling. I know that he wishes that I would try getting on the boat if he helps me, but I just can't do it. Try explaining to your wife about your pain and fatigue. It's your body and you need to keep it safe and do what feels right to you. It's not your fault ever. No Guilt

loriesco | @loriesco | Oct 20, 2025

Take a screenshot of what you wrote and SHARE IT WITH HER! This is something which needs to be lovingly negotiated. I feel your pain. I am a couch potato after dinner and very active during the day. But GRAVITY affects me after an entire day of activity, I'm done! I wish it could be otherwise. I remember my dad became the same. We have degenerative disc disease with all that entails.

gently | @gently | Oct 21, 2025

In reply to @gently "No. But you may be misguided. I'd say that none of the things you do in..." + (show)

There is a sweetness in your worry about what your wife might be thinking, Would you think her selfish for going out on those walks when you ache to much to be able to go with her.

rubylu2024 | @rubylu2024 | Oct 21, 2025

I rarely walk for pleasure due to my foot neuropathy. After my wife’s hip surgery and when she began walking again I bought an adult trike so I could ride along with her. Best investment I made! The trike was comfortable and certainly took the weight off my feet.

mrmacabre | @mrmacabre | Oct 21, 2025

My wife knows the reasons that I almost always decline going for an evening walk, because of my level of pain and numbness/burning in my feet. I have a hard time just walking behind a shopping cart in any retail store we visit. A trip through Costco is my limit nowadays. If/when we do our regular grocery shopping, I need to use one of the store supplied powered carts. It's embarrassing since I never imagined myself needing to use one, especially at the age of 66. But I'd rather spend the time with my wife getting the things we need than stay at home. I'm at home alone most of the time already.