First, I am sorry to hear this, and how difficult it must have been. My experience with grief--my first husband died after surgery as a young man 30 years ago--is that it isn't a fixed quantity and never completely goes away. How could it when the relationship is still there inside of us. Every year around the anniversary of his death I get very sad and anxious. Recently I've just decided to accept the feelings as a a way of honoring his memory (after LOTS of therapy). You can be proud of yourself for doing so much to take care of yourself.