I understand what you are saying. I almost died when I was 21 from swine flu and spent months in the ICU and hospital. When I got out, I had trouble connecting to life. All I could think about was the near death experience I'd had (classic--leaving my body, white light etc.). I was just an ordinary college student, and the experience was too much for me. It took me years--at least a decade--to try and incorporate it and start caring about life. My first husband died when I was 41, which might have had a similar effect but our daughter was six and I was suddenly a single mom. Now I'm 71, long remarried, a grandma, with serious breast cancer. So I kind of ping pong between states--awareness of death, appreciation of life. It can be tiring! I'll give a little mini list of what helps me, on the chance something here appeals to you. OK--individual therapy (to get more grounded), Death Cafe (there is an in-person one here but many towns have them), journaling and other writing, meditation and meditative things like walking in nature, reading about death (I like WHO DIES? by Stephen Levine) and being here on Connect where conversation is real. Do you think the "fear" can be turned more into a friendly awareness? And do you have any advice on the topic?