Thank, you I am laying in bed just trying to not take my life. I don't want to hurt my family, but don't know how I can go on. I pray everyday for God to give me strength. I have b.een dealing with depression for 30 years since my first husband (an army LTC) died of an overdose. I became an alcoholic and said and did things that I am ashamed of and have ruined almost all family relationships. (I do not drink anymore). I then married a very controlling man who further aliened my family from me. We divorced but he still called me 5 times a day and I let him until he died a few months ago. I have tried counseling, lots of medications, IOP and ECT. I had my second ECT on Friday which I peed all over myself, headache, and severe neausa. I have physical problems on the whole left side of my body. The left side of my head in tingly and numb. I have siatica down my back to my left foot which feels like electric shocks. I have nausea all the time. I just don't know how I can go on. I was so hoping that the ECT would make me feel better but I feel more desperate now. I even checked myself into a psch. ward at the hospital but that was so bad (room, care, etc) that I really would kill myself if I had to go back. I hired someone to help me drive to and from ECT. I really need help or I will not make it. I have had a lot of medical stuff in my life (broke my neck and was in traction and surgery for two years at 17, a double mastecomy, intestion surgery, hernia, broken leg in 6 places, foot surgery, etc.). How can I go on?? I see no hope for myself. I feel like staying in my bed until I just die from not taking care of myself. I do appreciate your response, Thank you. Pray that God gives me strength, I feel it is dwindling everyday and don't know how I can go on.