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How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?
Mental Health | Last Active: Sep 24 7:28pm | Replies (23)Comment receiving replies
Thank you so much for checking in. We had another incident today. It was terrible, worse than the last one. He's spiraling, not going to work either suddenly. He was at our house and kept saying such mean things to my husband and I. Mostly telling us what horrible parents we are. We finally told him he had to leave, then he started screaming in our driveway. Later he called and said he was going to end it right then. I didn't even know where he was. I finally talked him down enough that he promised not to do anything tonight, but he wouldn't calm down until I said how incredibly sorry I was over and over again for not being the mother he needed, and he was able to once again tell me over and over how horrible I am. I didn't know what else to do. I know I have been a giving mother, with normal human faults, I also know that I haven't done anything that terribly wrong. Neither has my husband. But if I don't profusely apologize just for not being what he needs, he says the world is awful and he is going to end it. After he was calm we talked a little, and he said he knows he needs help and apologized, but he won't go to a counselor or psychiatrist. I don't know what to do anymore, I'll be up all night tonight and I absolutely have to work tomorrow. I tried for two hours to sleep, but just cried. I am 62, with asthma. I am worried about my health. So I am so grateful for your message, I do need to get help for myself, as I feel trapped and overwhelmed and helpless. I'm starting to believe that I am a horrible monster who caused his pain. Maybe I am. Logically I know that isn't true, my husband and my other son assure me that I was a good mother - an imperfect one at times, but mostly good and normal. But my heart is starting to believe it, and it is killing me, and I need help myself in just coping. Thank you for caring. It means a lot. I think I will go back to NAMI. I went once, years ago. I need to commit to getting help. My other son and my grandchildren need me, and I don't want to just keep crying to my husband, he is overwhelmed also, and he can't stand seeing me like this.
Replies to "Thank you so much for checking in. We had another incident today. It was terrible, worse..."
He is quite adept at knowing which things he can do and say to manipulate the hell out of you. The thing that stands out to me is Your last comment was the boundary you set with him when you told him to leave. He escalated his manipulations. Once your boundaries are firmly and unshakably in place you can expect him to escalate his manipulative behaviors to get you to back down. Oddly this is when, in ofstead of backing down you should hold firm. Scary because he has used the ultimate manipulative move...telling you he will end it. Please do get support at NAMI meetings or another group. You and your husband deserve to have a life. Dont let him bully you. It is time for you to get help understanding why you are so vulnerable to this bullying and bad behavior. Stand strong.
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Dear liabaa baa, NO NO NO NO NO this is not your fault, you are not a terrible mother, it is not your responsibility to deal with a tormenting adult. Do you know the French phrase Folie a Deux?
Roughly it translates as "two people sharing craziness". Your son behaves in a way which he knows will have the effect he wants. You respond by acting in the way you think he wants. Tell
me, are you getting any improvement while the two of you are playing this game? I know he is your son, you love him, and he is probably behaving the way he is because of mental illness, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it or sacrifice your own good health and your relationships with other members of your family. You know, when we were raising our children, we were taught about "tough love". In other words, sometimes you have to be tough on your children so they give up unhelpful behaviours and learn to be responsible adults. If
your son won't see a psychologist or psychiatrist then I strongly suggest that you do yourself. A professional will help you figure out what exactly is going on, and help you with strategies to deal with the situation, as well as boosting your own self-esteem. If you don't know anyone to go to, ask your family doctor for a referral. Get help. You are no good to anyone if you are burnt out, not sleeping, crying. OK let's go for the big guns. Next time your son is at your place
screaming or yelling or behaving irrationally call the police. I know you don't want to do that,
but at least they will lock him up for 72 hours and have him evaluated by a mental health professional. Worst case scenario - a psychiatrist can admit him to a psychiatric hospital against his will. I think you have tried and tried and tried but this sort of problem is too big to deal with alone. Tough love. Hang up on those phone calls. Force him to be examined by calling the police. You are still young, you have earned a life of your own, not this constant
torture and game playing. If he threatens suicide take it seriously, but call the police. They handle this sort of thing more often than you think. What have you got to lose? Best case scenario he gets diagnosed and treated and is able to take his place in society. Reach out to anyone or anything that helps you, keep posting here because I know there are a lot of us out there empathising or maybe have gone through a similar experience. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "I am a worthwhile, decent human being and I deserve better than this," Thinking of you - Ellu