I've had this since Nov. 2020-an ER nurse in a pandemic, go figure. For me, I call them 'crash episodes' because I have crashed head on into a semi, at 100mph, hauling military missiles...then they go off and I am on fire.
I am only seen when I feel good and able to leave the house and I look perfectly fine-I am not hauling oxygen, a cane, wheelchair, missing body parts. I describe it to others as profound, incapacitating, overwhelming, leaden exhaustion-loosing days at a time. I wait as long as I can to get up to walk to the bathroom. Shower and hair puts me out. Food is microwave or Door Dash-when I feel like eating. I have groceries delivered, my bills are on autopay, my body has aged 20 years.
My life is divided into before and after. I used to be an ER nurse, at a Level I trauma center who not only prevented death, but sent electricity through the human heart and brought people back to life, ran 15 units of blood over 20 minutes into a trauma patient. I ran a half marathon for my 60th birthday. I was one of the top weight lifters at the gym, maintained a 1/2 acre garden, cooked for and hosted family events like Martha Stewart, traveled internationally. In short, I was Wonder Woman.
Now I decline concerts that I have waited a lifetime for, Cubs game over the dugout, Blackhawk games, anything social after 1:00 (if it is a 'good' day), dinner and a movie. sex knocks me out for 2 days, is it really worth it? I lost a 40year career due to stamina and cognitive loss-I am not safe. I'm stuck at home looking like Nick Nolte's mug shot. I am a mere shadow of myself. The only thing that has stayed the same is my social security number and color of my hair. I'm in counseling for grief from loss of what used to be my life, anger when I forget and do something that turns out to be overwhelming, lost a committed relationship and fear/dread of the next crash episode.
It takes what little I have to remind myself that I can take care of bathing, toileting, nutrition, dressing myself, shelter-the absolute basics of living. I could have had that truck hit me, had a serious stroke, be in hospice for caner, be in line for a lung transplant (like a woman I worked with), unable to walk, unable to live independently in my own home . I have worked with countless patients who can not. It is hard to remember gratitude-something I am working on.
What really got to me was media coverage of 5 years since the pandemic, no one talked about the lives left behind, especially the emergency providers who were out there 24/7 and what became of us-the physical and emotional toll 5 years later. Only a small handful of fellow ER workers are still there in my hospital; the experienced nurses are gone. The pandemic wiped us out, one way or another which frightens me for the future when I need help.