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In my experience I suffer with severe depression I'm almost wouldn't be here right now if someone hadn't showed up I go on and off of medications because when I take the medications and I still want to kill myself it makes it worse like I'm such a failure medication can't even help so I have mixed feelings about medication and then though withdrawals from the medication makes the depression worse when I feel good on the medication and it's managing my depression then I think why do I need it I'm not depressed so medication can be very tricky depression is our own journey and we have to make the right choices to keep us all alive there's no right or wrong whatever helps in the moment is what I believe
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You need a psychiatrist that is supportive and understands your concerns. Also, working with a therapist to understand why you go off medications that are working. That is not comman with people who have Major Depressive disorder. You see it frequently with some other issues such as bipolar disorder. Are you sure you are correctly diagnosed? Are you staying with one doctor long enough that they can help you? Have you looked into treatmdnts that do not require daily medication such as Ketamine or TMS?