My mother was in denial about her BPD when I was a child. We had to live in several different homes and locations. She was an African American single mother with three kids; worked night shift; worked as a nurse; eventually all these things became to her too much and faded away.

I still see her as a mother who tried; however, were neglected for the most part of our lives we lived with our grandparents most weekends and sometimes the weekdays because of her manic periods. Its hard thinking about it now - that's why we never really stayed with her? It was terrible living there. Our garage was a hoarded area as well as her room. Anything we cleaned up would just be made dirty again. Sometimes the police was called for domestic abuse. She even on year left us to go to California to a retreat to get help at this christian retreat and instead I am realizing she made religious accusatory assumptions of us which made an un-healthy spiritual life.
It can very well get there is what I'm trying to explain.

I agreed with the opinion of someone about daily practices such as prayer and trying to keep normal normal which was something I made sure of in my room. I resisted the urge to identify like that. I saw healthy families growing up and was ashamed and embarassed to have people stop by.

It unfortunately TRYS to bleed into my current life. I'm 30 years old and work as a RN in the ED and I get help with talk therapy. I work in my community to help with different organizations. Have travelled solo as nurse across the nation and invite my family and friends wherever I am in my space because I see my self worthy to have clean things and safe spaces with other people (It still is weird but I try to embrace the present moment).

I know that God really was by my side during that crucial and critical time in my life and is still working with me to be able to show others that I happened, but you can also get through it too. My coping strategy I think was brilliant. When I was at least 3-4 years old I used to watch tellitubies; the big red couch and Mr. Rogers I love the idea of going to somewhere else - I would be so inpatient for them to go into another world and eventually I caught on how to do it too. I simply would daydream and had the best Barbie set up scenes a girl could imagine. My sister and I were really good with it. It was more important than listening to whatever was going on in another room with my mom and grandmother arguing. My sister thinks I'm schizo because she caught me once mumbling with my eyes open in the middle of the night at the ceiling (I still do it)- apparently I'm not. I found out from multiple professionals who say its typical for children to protect themselves like this. Now that I'm more so in the community and feeling more comfortable to date for once. I feel as though its lessening.

Now I'm fine telling people this happened. Unfortunately, 2023 my mother passed away from dementia at the age of 56. It was during my college years I noticed more depression that led to psychosis and eventually she lost her mind all together with advance Alzhemiers. I coped with this because earlier in my life my sister and I both woke up in the middle of the night at the same time and I said to her that I had a dream about mom and she said to me "that she died right?" It was a terrible gut feeling even to this day.

This is for everyone who is reading this. It is crucial to take care of your mental health. We are living in 2025. Let me remind you that many people I see who come to the ED for treatment have at least 1-2 mental health issues un-treated (I blame partly if not in full our money-hungry healthcare system). It really starts most commonly with anxiety and depression. You don't have to live like this. You can start with someone you trust and then move to talk-therapy eventually it will lead to psychiatry because you've identified your self-worth and not live in denial. It is traumatizing to be "labeled" BUT your name isn't BPD or no one says "Hi Anxiety!" You should look at it as I'm taking care of me and I feel proud to be heard and seen and be real with this new mindset I'm creating for myself - because if left un-check and un-treated you just never know where - legit your mind can lead you to do....wild things.