Hello, I happened to come by this group researching PTSD post ICU. I’ve had two ICU stays, the first of which encouraged me to get a job in the ICU as a CNA and eventually be an ICU nurse. I have lots of experience working with ICU patients. I’ve wanted to be a nurse since getting my nursing assistant certification in 2005. After my last ICU stay I no longer have any desire to enter a hospital. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Agoraphobia. This is devastating to say the least. I have worked in a state psychiatric facility, I have a position at the hospital currently which I am on leave from as a float pool CNA. I am six months from hospital discharge. I see a psychiatrist, therapist, and my normal doctor. I feel stagnant. I was on short term disability my last check was in December. I have been denied long term disability, I’ve hired an attorney to contest. All of my providers agree that I can’t go onto my position at this time. I am on four daily medications. My first ICU stay was a partial colectomy with a colostomy. I was there for 12 days and at 29 years old handled it like a champ. I have the reversal surgery a few months later and coped fairly well. This last ICU stay was due to a medication to stabilize my mood swings called Lactimal. I had a severe allergic reaction to this medication and went to the clinic and was told by the PA to keep taking the medication because I had an influenza like illness with a rash unspecified. Well with fevers of 103 for two more days I decided it was time for a second opinion. I went to the ED and was transferred via ambulance to a level 2 trauma hospital where they called a rapid response code, which is all too familiar for me and I don’t remember much more. I had a bone marrow biopsy, blood transfusion, and all sorts of tests. Looking back I should’ve advocated for myself more. I’m angry that I am not normal anymore. My family is suffering, I’m 35 and supposed to have applied to the RN program. Instead I keep replaying every minute of that second hospitalization in my brain. I have dreams, and nightmares. I feel like a failure. I don’t like to leave the house and I don’t know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life or when I will start feeling better. I should note that my hematologist’s diagnosis was SIRS. Thanks for listening.