I'm sorry you have had such a struggle, both with pain and with the knowledge that it can't be cured.

I start chemo and a clinical trial next week. I am stage 4 metastatic to liver and surrounding lymph nodes. I had pain at first and have been living pain free for about 6 weeks. There is no reason for it, but I take every day like this as a gift.

I asked my doctor the same question as to how long I have. She said it is a very individual answer and would not give me a timeline other than to say 6 months if I did nothing. At first, I was a bit miffed that I didn't get a number. But, now having had time to reflect on it, I think I like it this way. Instead of being given a number to aim for, I now have the choice to go on as far as I want.

Having lost a nephew to a car accident, I can say that while it won't be painless for me and for my family, I have the luxury of making sure I am right in this world and everyone in it. I need to be generous with forgiveness and on asking to be forgiven. I watched the biography of Michael J. Fox and a quote has always stuck with me, "With gratitude, optimism is sustainable". I choose to be grateful for as much as I can every day.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy. I maybe have no basis for posting as I have not gone through the chemo yet. I know what my pancan sponsor told me and that was that those that do the best get up even when every part of their body says stay down. I want to be here to hold future grandkids! I wish you only the best. Brad