Can I get added to the group. Going through this now with my dad and want to share as much info as possible w both my parents

@colleenyoung
Hey everyone,

I wanted to share my experience because I know some of you will understand what I’ve been through, and maybe it’ll help someone feel less alone. It’s been a long, tough road, and I’m still trying to figure things out.

Back in January, I ended up in the ICU on a ventilator. They sedated me with ketamine, fentanyl, haldol, and other meds, and when I started to come around, I was in full-blown delirium. I thought the medical staff were going to harvest my organs. I was paranoid, delusional, and terrified. I didn’t understand what was happening, and it felt like they were trying to do something horrible to me.

I wasn’t resisting waking up. I just couldn’t wake up. The meds had me so out of it, and when I finally started to regain some awareness, I was confused, aggressive, and in complete panic. I pulled out my catheter—not because I was fighting anyone, but because I didn’t know what was going on. I kicked a nurse in the face, which I deeply regret. It wasn’t me—it was the delirium, the fear, and the confusion. I also saw the medical staff as though they were wearing masks to disguise their features. It was terrifying.

I have scars on my arm from ulcerated IV sites, and a knot on my neck from the central line. They are just visual reminders of what happened. Another thing that still bothers me is the bruises I had on my chest. I was unconscious at the time, and I didn’t know what was happening, but I was told later that the head nurse had pressed on my chest to try to wake me up. When I started coming out of the sedation a bit and became more aware, I asked, "What are you doing?" But nobody would answer me. No one would explain what was going on, and it felt like I wasn’t being heard at all. My OH (other half) later told me that he noticed I was more active when they reduced the fentanyl, so they decided to lower it, but I still wasn’t fully with it when I woke up. He also said, the head nurse was not a nice person.

I also developed pressure sores all over my back, which just adds to how poor the care was.

I do remember my life before I moved to the U.S., but everything after 1999 is a complete blur. I can’t recall anything, and it’s hard to come to terms with that memory loss.

Since everything happened, I’ve been struggling with anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. I wake up with nightmares, and I can’t get a full night’s sleep. I wake up early during the night, and then usually 5 a.m., and often find myself unable to get back to sleep. It’s exhausting. The mental toll of it all has been hard to handle. They put me on antidepressants—Zoloft was the first one—and after just one dose, I spiraled into a very dark place. A friend of mine, who’s a pharmacist, recommended I get pharmacogenomic testing (PGx testing), and the results showed I have genetic factors that affect how I process medications. The drugs stayed in my system much longer than normal, which explains a lot of what went wrong with my recovery and mental health.

Physically, I’ve been dealing with hair loss, and my hair has turned completely grey at the roots. It’s just one more thing to process. Along with my odd taste in certain foods.

I joined this group because some of you may know exactly what this feels like. If anyone here has dealt with similar symptoms—whether it’s the delirium, memory loss, nightmares, or medications messing with you—I’d love to hear how you’re managing.

Thanks for listening.

Take care,
TealOtter