I am recently diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic adenocarcinoma that has metastasized to my liver and other places.

I’m reading lots about this disease and haven’t even started chemo yet.

But, since I’m in palliative care, my thoughts alternate between many years of remission to short term fatal illness. I feel compelled to get my affairs in order but I don’t dwell on an early death often.

I share everything with my wife of 33 years but I do worry that as she becomes my caregiver, I may overburden her with my feelings.

Maybe I will be able to teach this fall? Maybe not. How much will I be able to do with chemo? Will I end up going to ER with complications? How do we continue with one income? I am a band and Career and TEch Ed. Teacher and I LOVE teaching. It is more than my job, it is part of who I am. I believe in relationships so I work hard on building them with my peers and my students. Our school is k-12 of 180 kids so summer small…hence wearing 2 hats.

Not being able to teach means there will be no band or CTE classes as the teacher shortage is much worse than the media portrays. I already feel the guilt of things I may not be able to do; Someday, hold a grandchild, give advice to my grown sons like my dad did for me. Take my boys fishing…

Dealing with the guilt of letting all my students down(though completely irrational I know) is something I think about.

Losing weight and becoming weaker…how my kids will see me. How my wife will eventually have to bury me. How we won’t be able to grow old together.

Everything is still so new and raw. I like to think I am at peace for me, but how it will affect everyone else is what hurts.

I am 55 and in very good health and am going to try to do some clinical trials along with my chemo. We live 380 miles from Mayo in Rochester so that is where I will go except for regular chemo.

I don’t know if I should look to a therapist (I used one several years ago when bad bosses pushed me over the edge) to talk to because no one around me in my small town of 700 has this disease or anything like it.

My family and my wife’s family have been wonderful, but I dont want to be that person that has to always talk about the cancer. I want normal stuff when we visit.

Anyway, I go back tomorrow for a 2nd attempt at liver biopsy. Ct guided this time as tumors are so small. Then the port gets put in. Once that is in I feel like if I have denial, it will go away.

The crazy part is I feel completely fine. They found the cancer because I got pancreatitis. There weren’t even looking for it. I thought it was a complete gift to catch it early…only to find it had moved to my liver and lymph nodes and possibly in my thyroid as well. So much hopes going up then pushed way down. It’s a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters.

My wife and I are planners and this has shattered our ability to make plans.

Did I mention that we gutted our kitchen a week before the cancer diagnosis? I was going to do some of the work to save $$. Thankfully, small town contractor whose kid I teach will add that to what he was already going to do.

They are working really hard to get things put together before I start chemo so I have a place to crash(we are living in our basement now.)

As I reread this I can see how jumpy my thoughts are. I do type them out in a google doc for my benefit and so my wife can read them someday. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It makes me feel a bit better talking with people that will get it.