To everyone. I am dreadfully sorry to have set off an alarm!!!!!!! I am okay and only now checked the forum. To the moderators and everyone, please let me know how i should connect if something is scary for me. I took 4 valium. 5 mg. Each. So that would be 20 mg. At one time. The last time i became so distressed was when i was at my son's funeral in August. I took 4 valium to numb the pain. His suicide, and walking in his blood, was too much for me. His birthday and the anniversary of his 5 month death was on the same day, january 13th. I have not been quite right since then. I left all my support and therapist in north carolina when i moved 6 weeks after eddie died. I live in pagosa springs, colorado and the closest town is durango, 60 miles away. There is no support for survivors of suicide loss , made more complex by my clinical depression and PTSD flashbacks to the scene of his death. At least in this town. Suicide is a hush hush word to those who have not experienced it. And the people around me, even my friends, have criticized me and called me self serving and uncaring about others who have lost loved ones.
That is because when i first got here in october, in hopes of trying to recover, i had seen a grief counselor who told me that the stress of a suicide loss survivor, or murder events or military PTSD, etc. ...... This process is called traumatic, complex grief and is treated differently in terms of therapy. All grief is traumatic and horrible....but under certain extremely traumatic events, it's kind of like peeliing an onion..... So many layers.
When i tried to talk about this to my friends, they turned away from me. They told me that what i was really saying was that "my loss is greater than theirs."

The only way to deal with all this is to just repress everything and put on a happy face and say i feel great. But then when his birthday and death anniversary happened the same day......there really isn't anywhere to turn. More on next reply.