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Mother of special needs children losing her mind
Mental Health | Last Active: Dec 20, 2017 | Replies (17)Comment receiving replies
Dear Fernanda......I'd like to encourage you with a "you do sooo well"....but sometimes that is not what we want to hear, is it? Because sometimes we don't do well. I really need to hear these little successes other mothers have managed to find in their daily lives with all the cares and needs required. We don't need sympathy....just another one who understands.
I want to be a happy and loving contributor to my children's lives and to know I can help, comfort and nuture them and know that they are coping with their difficulties and are doing the best they can do. I want to be able to see their little accomplishments and make these mean more to me instead of always wishing they could do better.
I was included at a large (200+ people) special education conference 6-7 years ago and came away feeling really uplifted because I could see there are so many special need children out there and there are so many that spend their life helping fulfil these children. I want to be able to do this too. So I struggle on, day after day....forward 1/2 step, back 2....forward another 1/2 step, back 2.....not able to see that maybe there is more progress being accomplished than I realize because I am so caught up with all the details.
I can see the little things for you include 1 hour a week w/others in similar situations, a bicycle, enjoying your play time with your children and giving it your full attention, 10 minutes of meditation and time to read before bed. These little times turn into very big moments of "recharging" yourself and do add up. Yes....this is needed. I'd like to think I was organized enough to do this, but tend to just "shut down" and plod along trying to "tune out" things until the next crises hits. There doesn't seem to be any time I can schedule to rely on others to "take over" so I can get this total relief. I've always something on my mind or a need somewhere.
So I will think on what you've said and make another attempt at this. I'm trying to make it an issue to walk 1 mile a day - takes about 20 minutes and this MUST happen and my family must come to see how important this is to me. But I need to see the necessity of it before I can show them, don't I? I think this little goal will help me in quite a few areas.
I go back to the doctor today after a month now on my latest anxiety meds. I do feel calmer...but wonder if it's not the best for my tummy. Thank you for your time and take care, Joanie
Replies to "Dear Fernanda......I'd like to encourage you with a "you do sooo well"....but sometimes that is not..."
You are a fabulously kind and strong person. I am amazed at your physical/emotional strength. You are the caretaker for a variety of age groups. My mother did the same thing, God bless her soul. My grandparents lived in a mobile home on our property. My dad built a small house on our property for his mother and niece. It could get pretty crazy at times but my parents found a way to be able to watch over them, provide transportation, provide the food and love them. At times the love part was not easy. Back in the day, we were very respectful to our elders and we protected them. We never sent them to a nursing home, thank God.
I appreciate your praise, but I really don't deserve it. I do keep reading it though! I have so very much to learn. I had to put my dear mother in a care home 7 months ago. I was getting sooo close to "going sideways" and definitely feel mentally weaker in the last year. But I feel that these care homes are provided for us if need be and Lord knows I needed help. Mom did tell me years ago that if she ever got to the point where she didn't know what she was doing, to put her in a care home. I felt that she wouldn't want to be a burden to me, so I try to keep that before me. Now of course, she wants me by her side 24-7. She used to ask me here next door in her suite we built for her, when I tucked her in each night....if I was sleeping in her bed with her! Tee hee...what would my husband say? I do have others too that need me and with special needs children, my husband says that even though I don't feel I do enough for them, just being here means everything to them. I am grateful for all who are able to look after their aged parents at home. It is a service like no other! Thank you for writing.
Mrsjoanie, just had to respond to your feelings about having mom in a facility appropriate to her needs. As a second career i worked in all sorts of facilities as either an emotional support person or an activities coordinator. Just a few months ago i worked at a home care agency that sent me to hospice, alzeiheimers and mental health facilities. Also i was sent to someone's home just to give the family a chance to get out and have their own time. What i learned: after a few days of adjustment, each and every person who now lived there began to come out of themselvesl they enjoyed the company of others their age and of course there are always appropriate activities for one and all. Even those in hospice enjoyed us reading to them or just talking about their life. I have so many wonderful memories of these very special people. Sometimes it was my paid job and sometimes it was my volunteer work. But the big thing is that once their loved ones were able to make the difficult position to move them, the new residents adapted so well that some of them did not want to go home even if they could! To tell the truth, i received way more than i gave. The gift of their big smile when we walked in just to visit, was worth more than they even knew. If your loved one is moving to a facility, do know that it will turn out to be rewarding for all concerned. I promise. Blessings
Dear Georgette....Thank you for writing. There are two sides to every story, aren't there? It takes very special people to work in these facilities and we are very thankful for you and those like you! You know it is difficult for us children to turn our responsibilities in looking after our dear parents over to someone else. So thank you for sharing. I wish you were in my mother's home! Take care and keep the love flowing, Mrs. Joanie
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Care giving is difficult. You need to think of yourself as a well- you cannot give water freely from a well that isn't full. Something MUST feed the well.
As a caregiver sandwiched between generations I completely understand where you are coming from! I have a blended family too- a stepson, and two children of my own (my son has special needs) , a husband, my mother (recently diagnosed with Latent Onset Diabetes Type 1 at 60) in law's that are just now touching 70 an in need of more help and a 93 year old grandfather as well. If I am being totally honest I am exhausted. It is hard to find time in the day to even finish the laundry let alone find "me" time!
BUT- I have flirted with burn out a few times too many. I KNOW that in order to give care, I must receive care. So this is my new mantra.
I will find time in the day where I take care of myself. This may be a walk (fabulous for depression). Or 20 minutes to read something that I enjoy. A 1/2 hour in a super hot bath. 30 minutes of my favourite music blaring in my headphones. Ice cream for breakfast. A trip to the salon to get prettied up. It's hard at first because I feel "Mama guilt" but I push through.
I see you are in Canada- me too! I'm not sure exactly where you are but there are often respite services available, and again depending on your location there may be other services you could take advantage of. Also connecting in real life with other caregivers may help you. just knowing someone else gets it was HUGE for me.
Welcome!