:0( Such a rough path you've been on. You must be an incredibly strong person to be still standing! I have experienced some of the same tragedies, my dad also died at age 45, my mother died at 31, when I was 7. My sister took her own life in 2000. My youngest daughter died 2 years ago of colon cancer, and my older daughter, as I've said earlier, is disabled. Two of my friends died in the last 2 years. I too had PTSD, depression etc but I had a great counselor who helped me through all of my past, using EMDR with regular counseling. You might want to check EMDR out, it was a lifesaver for me. I wish I had grandchildren, but that's not in the cards for me unless I 'adopt' some kids who need a grandma! I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who supports me 100% of the time, and friends who really care. There are always blessings mixed in with the challenges of life! God bless you!