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I am and have always been depressed. It waxes and wanes depending on where my life is at the moment. The start was a horrible mother who has always made me feel less. Even now I quite often beat myself up perpetuating her treatment of me. I know better, but still . . . I "ran away" from her and was able to make a new life for myself. But I didn't run away from my mental and emotional problems she caused. Almost four years ago my husband died. We were together for 62 years. I sought therapy and was fortunate to find a woman who really helped me. She diagnosed me with PTSD due to child abuse. But now I am alone and very old. 90 almost 91 to be exact. I am extremely fortunate to be quite healthy at my age. I do not take drugs because they do weird and queer things to me. On the other hand, I can live a "normal" and independent life and I can drive. But I am still alone and that really is depressing. I have two sons. After my husband died, the younger son basically threw me out of the family. So I rewrote our trust. Working for a trust attorney was my career during my working life so this was easy for me. My older son lives in Thailand. I am expecting a visit from him very shortly. It will only be 4 days. Getting from there to here (and back) is a gruelling trip. I may never see him again after this visit. The airline tickets cost a lot of money. I live on a budget. I am trying to stockpile some money in case I live long enough to need a caregiver down the line. If I don't, my older son will get it. I don't feel comfortable in crowds so avoid going to anything where I don't know anyone. So I expect my loneliness and depression will continue until I leave this earth. But no drugs for me.
Replies to "I am and have always been depressed. It waxes and wanes depending on where my life..."
Your posting struck a chord, and my depression has been with me since about the age of 10 and I’m now 78. It comes and goes. Mostly it has been “goes” having been married for over 43 years and helping raise two children. Unlike you, I didn’t need to go into therapy at a late age to figure out I have had a form of PTSD for many decades. This suddenly dawned on me about two years ago when I had Mohs surgery on my scalp. The cutting into my skin had more effect on the inside of my head than it did to the outside, which healed nicely after 5 months. There is a line in a Bob Dylan song that goes “You don’t need to be e weatherman to know which way the wind blows”. I did online research on PTSD, and it all became self- evident to me. After researching it I realized that my depression has been with me since my alcoholic father left the family and abandoned his only child never to be seen again. He died alone in an SRO (a euphemism for a tenement dump) of alcoholism at the young age of 43. He never bothered to ever want to see me. He left me nothing but painful memories all these years, and after the Mohs surgery I started to replay those memories over and over. Needless to say, this affects my relationships with my wife, two daughters and the 4 grand kids. At this point, I refuse therapy to tell me the obvious. I just press on day by day and have tried to forget the depressing childhood by collecting – books, movie posters, and over 10,000 (and counting) DVDs. It’s the collector’s mentality. I guess I'm making up for the loss and the guilt that so many kids feel about their parent's divorce. In Freudian terms I guess I’m considered anal retentive, and over the years it has blunted some of the early pain. You certainly sound like a survivor. Best wishes.
I have found a therapy for PTSD. Energy work, such as Reiki or Shen Emotional Release therapy. If you live near a city, there will usually be several Reiki masters near. Based on science (Google Reiki) you will lay on a massage table and the practitioner will will use his/her intuition to determine where to place hands to move out stuffed emotions that need to be released. Should be books in your local library on the subject. You could be amazed at how lite you will feel after the session. Check it out. Nothing to be afraid of.
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What a blessing to be able to still drive and to be able to care for your own needs at 90! I do understand the alone part though. I hope you enjoy reading, and have a hobby you love; it truly does help!
I have eight children, plus two "bonus" sons, but none of them live close, but I could call on any one of them if I needed to. I am very blessed to have a loving, faithful and kind spouse. We are both active in church, and read scriptures every day. We know everything good in our lives comes from our Heavenly Father. We are old, and slower, but we know we are blessed, even with some tough health issues.
I hope you have a true friend that you can "vent" too, and trust. Every person NEEDS that. I wish you happier times, and peace.