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My chronic pain began nearly a decade after my depression started and I’ve never been the same since.
I don’t recognize myself. I hate who I’ve become and my “life” feels like a prison I can’t get out of.
I’m entirely isolated. I’ve lost almost everything near and dear to me; especially my relationships with friends and close family.
I feel a lot of resentment about people who don’t care about how I’m feeling and I barely speak to anyone but my own parents. They’re all I have left.
I think a LOT about how much worse things will be when I’m truly “alone” and without them.
I don’t attend any events because I’m scared to leave the safety blanket that has become my home and also my prison.
I don’t ever want to go anywhere or do anything and after nearly a decade and so much pain, no one calls or cares anymore.
I find myself terrified about trying to start a relationship with anyone because I feel like I have nothing left and bring literally nothing to the table.
I’ve lost the best and most important years of my life and all the people that matter to me which continues to make my depression and pain even worse.
I feel like I’ve got nothing left to live for and this is no life.
I have no left I feel comfortable opening up to because I’ve lost any trust I ever had very little of to begin with when it comes to people in general.
I’ve been hurt and disappointed and it makes me question whether I’ve ever been a good person and why this had to happen to me.
I don’t feel like I’m living and I’m barely even surviving at this point.
I can go on and on but I guess I’ve made my point.
It’s clear that chronic pain contributes to depression and anxiety and vice versa and it’s an awful cycle that I’ve spiralled into and can’t get out of.
When I begin to think about all the things I’ve lost, it’s so overwhelming to think about where to even begin to start trying to work on fixing all the issues that have accumulated and that in of itself makes me panic.
I often wonder if I somehow caused this and brought it upon myself. I don’t know why this happened to me but I never saw it coming and now it’s been a decade of solitude and tears and there is so much emotional pain on top of the physical that I just want to let go finally find the peace I so desperately need.
Replies to "My chronic pain began nearly a decade after my depression started and I’ve never been the..."
Hi,
I'm so sorry that you are having such a terrible time with depression and pain too! I don't blame you for not going anywhere or feeling bad because no one contacts you anymore when you need that contact. That happens when we are faced with depression and pain. Don't think badly about yourself. You are very interesting and write very well. You have a lot to offer society. Have you considered writing a book? I would love to read it if you did.
My husband died a year ago and it has been similar to what you are going through but I don't have any pain. However, the people who were so friendly and concerned when my husband first died, no longer come around or even call. I have no one and like you, my home is my safety blanket and I only go to the store and the bank. At least you do have your parents. That's wonderful! I'm 79 and both of my parents are up in Heaven. However, I do have God and that helps me immensely. I talk to God everyday and ask for his help with many things. He answers my prayers often. Just talk to him like he's your best friend and he is! Tell him about your pain and ask him to take it away and also the loneliness. I think it would help you. God is always there for us. We just have to ask.
I'll say a prayer for you.
PML
Your description of isolation and depression is not unusual. We know that you actually do have the “company” of misery here from us. The methods to get sleep and to get out of the house are all different. Changes in life from pain are extremely hard, But dropping some interests and friends isn’t unusual. Just be yourself.
I recommend finding some methods for self-managed pain neck/back relief. I was sleeping on a 3” pad on the floor and by day stretching facedown with a cushion under my pelvis at least relieved some pain. Get meds with a good Doctor. Yes, I gave up on cycling and walking without assistance, hated to face painful experiences, felt they were mental as well as physical obstacles. Giving up hobbies can make you sad, makes me angry. But you can never be an island in this community.
I don’t know your age but my problems started with a nasty lifting injury in my late 30s. Not always feeling very badly disabled, but 35 years of pain progressed into my 70s where NOW I use all the mobility assistance I can get. I don’t care what people think. (Underline that!) When my husband takes off to ride his bike or walk to shops it makes me feel bad but I insist on having my mobility scooter ready so I can go somewhere on my own have to get out of the house. Take meds in advance of any activity and don’t beat yourself up! I understand the emotional trouble is pain too and crying is helpful sometimes + maybe some counselling is around.? The hospital here in Vancouver has a pain clinic intake with some adaptive methods such a proper breathing and meditation before you can exercise. It takes some time and commitment. One day at a time. Be kind to yourself.
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I am so sorry! Have you gone to a really good doctor who might be able to help you? I find that admitting to myself that I need professional help -- whether physical or emotional -- and then making and following through with the appointments has made a huge change for me. Good luck as you pursue an answer.