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← Return to The Caregiver’s Brain
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Hi Pamela! I feel the same way. I try to do things to fill my day - of course some house cleaning, yard work, cooking meals, time to exercise, talk with friends or family on the phone, and of course with my husband. He naps in the morning so I have some time to myself and he goes to bed by 8:30 so I have some evening time to myself as well. I do my grocery and just about all shopping I need to do online. I like scary movies and will watch one at night. Or maybe a comedian show. Facebook to look at what family has posted and of course those adorable animal videos. Play outside with the dog. If I fill my day enough I don't miss the life I expected to have. My health has taken some serious hits, so I have to contend with that as well, and even if my husband could do more, I can't do as much as I could before. I do get angry from time to time that my life is so limited now and that I've been relegated to this caretaker role, but I've kind of given up and succumbed to the phrase "it is what it is." And I try to remember that in the whole scheme of things, I'm pretty blessed. If you can get some help a couple days a week, you could get out and about a bit. I know what you mean about the conversations though, some days I'm patient enough to tolerate the repetition and questions, other days I just don't say much. I spoke with a memory care professional who gave me a lot of resources so I can plan for all the different scenarios that I might face. And she said to never say never because there could be a point where he has to go into a memory care facility and you might even want to end the marriage if there is really nothing left of the man you married. We have to be realistic. Some days I just need some wine to make it better. And our dog really is a lifesaver. I don't know if I could make it without her to talk to and play with, etc.
So don't feel guilty at all, it's perfectly natural. We're still hanging in there doing what we need to do. If sometimes we feel a little pissy about it, we're allowed. Who wouldn't.
Replies to "Hi Pamela! I feel the same way. I try to do things to fill my day..."
Wish you were my neighbor so we could get together for a glass of wine. Other than the dog as we had to say goodbye to ours two years ago you described my life perfectly.
Hi Lina XYL,
You are doing God's work but you are human; so, you are entitled to feel "a little pissy."
If you are religious, you can ask God for forgiveness. That's what I do all the time because there are moments when I am a raging idiot: How can I be so heartless as to scream to my poor 83-year old husband, who has Alzheimer, vascular dementia and Lewy Body with Parkinsonian symptoms? Simple answer: I am human.
Love,
George's Wife
P.S. George's excuse for being mean to me is because he is "sick and is dying." My excuse for losing it at times is being I am sick, too, and it feels like he killing me. (Everyone is telling me that I need to place him in a memory care facility.)
If we outlive our spouses, you, pamela78 (and Bill?) need to get together to split a case of wine--or champagne.
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This is so comforting. It's so nice to know that someone else is having the safe feelings as I do. Yesterday I went to an event for senior citizens where there were lots of tables and people with information about various supports for folks like us. I meant to stay only a few minutes but it was such a happy gathering I stayed about two hours. Then I met my daughter for a glass of wine and we talked for a couple of hours. I don't see her as much as I'd like, so that was great too. All in all, a pretty good day. I even met a retired social worker who said he'd love to come visit my husband to give me a break. My son-in-law and grandson have suggested a weekly visit too, so I'm getting my ducks in a row. I think we have a ways to go before things get really bad. For now I've work on patience when listening to his repetition and supply the words he's struggling to find. Not what I expected but not terrible. And I have my Chihuahua, who doesn't like my husband but loves me. He creates havoc sometimes but I don't know what I'd do without him. Just having him beside me when I read or have a cup of tea is very calming. Best wishes to you and your pooch.