Hi, Autumn. Thanks for writing me back. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and that your still feeling so down. I hate to ask, but have you seen a neurologist? My words are failing me this evening, so please forgive me if my writing is sloppy. A neuropsychologist might be a good choice. Not to add to your load, but you may want to rule out early FTD or any other brain disease. How's that for cheering you up? I have early onset FTD, and I'm sure the illness was masked by mental health diagnosis and psych meds for some time. My neurologist told me that the Serequel I was on May have even contributed to it. I no longer take any psych meds. I refuse to. Although they keep offering them to me. I'm not sure how much they ever helped, but Clonazepam helps me. Is that a psych med? I get painful spasms from my dementia, and I have bad anxiety at times. Clonazepam calms me down without making me feel like a living piece of cardboard. (I hope you understand that reference). I'm also on pain meds. That is a good 15-30 minute mood boost, but, unfortunately, it wears off, and I take Ambien to sleep at night. I am severely limiting what doctors prescribe to me because I don't trust medication. The side effects are often worse than the advantages.
I'm glad you think I'm doing well with my FTD. If you knew me, you would see that my life is pretty pathetic. I'm alone, youngish, living in an assisted living facility where most people are at least 20 years older than me. Not that they aren't fully lovable and fun, but it's an odd place to be. I'm also isolated from the family I have left, so, you really only see what my words let you see. I have written a book, and I used to research and write a lot, so I think that is helping me maintain some of my language abilities. I have other dementia related issues though I just haven't mentioned on here. Wow, I'm so self-absorbed. This is about you after all. The problem is I can only write about what I know from my own experience. I can only tell you what helps me get through each day, so I guess that's why I come back to talking about me. Also, I've taken my night pills, and I got your message just as I was crawling into bed. I'm beat from today, but I didn't want to just hug you and go to sleep. You deserve better than that.
So, you have children and a friend that helps you. I'm glad. It's awful to be alone. Remember them in your darkest moments. They will not be better off without you. I think of people and the children who live me, and that is one of the reasons I haven't gone completely off the rails. Mostly though, God keeps me. I'm not going to apologize for having faith. Everyone has faith in something. I choose Jesus. I think I would have been dead long ago without Him. This world is hard. It's traumatic. It's violent and depressing as hell. I have to believe there is something more to this life. There is good verses evil. We all see it everyday. In the end, God wins, and I want to be in that party. I want to experience eternal life without pain, tears, death, and all the suffering living in this earthly shell brings. Jesus listens to me, and I know He loves me. He loves you, too. At night, when those negative thoughts come. You know the ones that come that are not good. The evil thoughts of self-harm. I'll probably get booted from this Mayo Clinic after this, but everyone who has truly experienced the darkness understands what I am saying is true. It's evil. Depression wants to kill us. We have to fight it. It's not a passive illness. It's a battle for your life and your soul. There is a place of eternal darkness, and I don't want to go there. I've felt enough of it here. So, when those negative/evil thoughts come, I pray. I cry out to God to help me - to deliver me from evil - to save me. He is the only reason I'm still here. I don't want to just write you the same stuff everyone thinks they should say. There's a real battle for your life going on and you need to win. You need to fight as though you're wearing armor and win. This life is so short anyway. We are here and then we are dust. Why quit early? I could. I've wanted to desperately. I still do sometimes. I want to go home. I want to be in heaven, but it's not my time yet, and what do I have to look forward to here on Earth? The slow, sad, loss of myself, my freedom, my dignity, and my mind until my body withers away. Why wouldn't I say, "bullshit!" and jump ship? I know this isn't all there is. I want to be in the Light forever, and I sure don't want to leave a dark stain on the hearts of the people who love me, so I pray. God, have mercy on me. God, help me. God be with me and get me through this. I'm scared. I'm horrified by what my end looks like, but it's not my place to quit, and I don't understand the reason for everything. I don't know why all these bad things happen, but I hope. I continue to hope. Don't let your hope die. Find something good and grab on. Your children -- they need a father who won't quit. Suicide can travel down family lines. Think about it. God help us all. We are all frail little beings in a huge universe trying to make our way. It's not easy. Find faith. Find hope. Hold on for dear life and don't let go. Life will be over before we know it anyway. Try to find reasons to enjoy each day. Look for the food. Smile at your neighbor. Laugh. Please, fight with all that is in you, and when the battle is too great,which it often is, cry out to God. He is the only reason I find comfort and the only One able to deliver us from this evil. It may be an overused word and certainly not politically correct, but you matter more to me than the hate I may get writing this. God is love. God is good. This world is flipping darkness. There is a reason to hold on. It's called eternity. We are spiritual beings, and when this body dies, we still exist. I know. My heart has stopped before. Autumn, there's no glory in suicide. Please look for the good all around you and fight back all that negative, lying, crap. Deliver me from evil. Jesus can do this for me and you.🩷