Hello Autumn. I'm sorry you're struggling. I have had a lifetime of ups and downs with depression, and I have tried many medications. Yes, some medicine can make you feel worse. Please tell your doctor.

Also, I'm not sure if you've heard about genesight testing, but it is a simple lab test that a primary care doctor can order that matches your genetics with the most compatible medication to treat depression (bipolar, anxiety, etc.,). If you haven't done it already, it's definitely worth getting it done.

I am, or was, diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar while in University. I've had too many experiences with suicidal thoughts and attempts. I still struggle especially when there are major stressors in my life. For example, a couple days ago, I was feeling much better and wrote a few letters of encouragement on here to different people, but then my sweet Aunt passed away and my heart broke, my best friend, who has a pacemaker, went into the emergency room with stroke symptoms, and my medication was wrong at the assisted living facility where I know reside. They simply failed to refill it and left me without the medication I need for a couple days.
I was completely shocked by how quickly my mood went from there's hope and life can get better to how many pills can I take to just end this mess tonight. My heart, or emotions, can get so intensely overwhelmed, and then...after deep weeping and feeling completely desperate, it lifts.
I should mention that I have Frontotemporal Dementia as well. If you know anything about it, it messes with emotions, behaviors, and well, it's eventually terminal. In fact, when symptoms first begin, it's often diagnosed as mental illness.
I said all this simply to let you know medication can have negative effects that you don't want to ignore. Please, if you are concerned and questioning it, tell your doctor. Genesight testing helps one avoid the random, "Well, let's see if this med works." That's not fun for anyone.

Even after having the most adequate medication, moods cycle, chemicals change, and **** or life - happens. Please hold on because something will change for the better. It's just getting through that awful, dark place. I think laughter helps. I will force myself to watch stupidly funny videos on Facebook or YouTube until eventually someone cracks me up...or funny animal videos, or cute baby videos, anything that changes my mindset and gets me laughing. It works for some reason. Maybe that will help you? Anything to distract from the negative thoughts and crushed feelings inside is good.
I'm also, in spite of all of my lifetime of trauma and depression, a Christian, so prayer helps me.

I wish you all the best, Autumn. Please just remember it's not permanent. Even though it feels like the end. You have value, and your new, best friend or some uplifting experience could be right around the corner. Also, sleep can help. At least for me, if I'm super down, going to sleep can help because I wake up feeling stronger, but sometimes it takes a while. I just hope you feel better soon. 🩷