Oh gosh, @korinja, I’d love to wrap you in a huge blanket of compassion and peace. Honestly, I know that feeling of just having had enough. Chemotherapy, for the positive side of life it may eventually bring to us, can also have us plummeting to the lowest depths imaginable. Did I get that right?
Demoralizing and wretched were two words that frequented my mind through my many months of aggressive chemo for AML (a form of leukemia) followed by a bone marrow transplant. I know you’ve been there…there’s little dignity left after you’ve had a dehumanizing moment in public, or even alone! There are fog shrouded days that feel positively surreal. Pretty sure most of us who have had chemotherapy have had these moments. Few of us are unscathed by the side effects though we tend not to admit we’ve had moments of living scenes out of the exorcist. 🥴

It’s also important not to compare yourself with someone else. Your personal battles are as unique as you are! You shouldn’t feel diminished in any way just because someone else may seem to be handling a similar situation differently. You don’t live in side of their heads…so they shouldn’t be taking up space in yours rent free! ☺️ Do the best you can each day, or hour by hour, or heck, live minute by minute. Whatever gets you through the day. No guilt for having a down day but also don’t let it consume you either. Hope is the only thing stronger than fear…so try to hold onto that!

I applaud your efforts for trying to remain positive. I do believe it is a key to getting through the immense personal challenges of cancer treatment…mentally, physically and spiritually. When you feel so awful it can difficult to even imagine a positive future or normalcy again.
But I want to harken back to the positive side of chemo! It can and does work for the majority of patients. It’s why we go through it! To have a life on the other side. To have hope!

I’m not familiar with the surgery you’ll be having. Hopefully one of the members in the discussion links I posted for you will be able to assist with answers to some of your questions about peritoneal carcinimatosis. @markymarkfl had mentioned having peritoneal carcinimatosis in this comment: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/comment/929529/

I think contacting an end of life doula was very brave. Being prepared for end times can bring about a sense of peace for having a plan in place. However, don’t be too anxious to take advantage of your prep and planning. I recall a little joke from decades ago with my dad talking about buying a cemetery plot with time payments. LOL. He was in no hurry to cash in on early pre-payments or something like that.
Sending you positive vibes of strength to get you through the worst of times. And I hope you’re able to talk about the surgery and potential upside/downsides of this procedure and make decisions on how to move forward.
Do you have a support system of friends and family, or a spiritual leader?