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What boundaries to set for my 29 yr old alcoholic son?
Addiction & Recovery | Last Active: 4 days ago | Replies (52)Comment receiving replies
Ty for sharing your story. I'm happy you finally found sobriety, but sorry your partner did not. My father died of cirrhosis when I was 16. He hid his disease well. My mother enabled him. My daughter is a recovering alcoholic. 7 years sober. I'm incredibly proud of her. My son shuts down when you try to talk it over with him, although he admits he's an alcoholic. I'm currently looking for an in-person meeting with Al-anon. Not crazy about Zoom. My old age, I guess. I've posted here because I can't bring myself to ask my son to stay away. Or even if I should. His sister's are not seeing him at all. I don't know if I can do that. Would it even matter to him? He has her to enable him. I like her. I have spoken to her. We are not close, but could be. I believe he cares for her but manipulates her. His anxiety is terrible. Even as a child he was anxious. But I think he is embarrassed at the idea of therapy or AA.
Replies to "Ty for sharing your story. I'm happy you finally found sobriety, but sorry your partner did..."
https://ecomm.al-anon.org/EN/Products/Digital_Products/EN/RiSE/Store/Product-Type.aspx?Type=DIGITAL&hkey=78858f68-29c1-479d-951b-18db190747f5
This link will take you to the Al-anon literature. Some of it is online. It might help to read some stories of others in your situation.
Ginny
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If he has admitted he is an alcoholic, then there will be a point where he is so miserable he will probably ask for help. I understand you not asking your son to stay away. I do think everyone has to make their own decisions. He is your son and you love him. I did not ask Harold to stay away, I just could not live with him while he was drinking. We still remained in constant contact and he wanted me to stay sober as he knew what I was like when I was drinking/using. He completely isolated himself. He was extremely intelligent and worked in computer language programming and unfortunately due to COVID, he was able to work via online. So then, he could drink and work. That is what did him in as before, he was functional...go to work, come home, then drink. During COVID, he was able to drink all day. Al-anon is helpful and there may be people that make the suggestion that you refuse to let him in your house. I do not necessarily agree with that and everyone's situation and relationships with their loved ones is different. I had a friend when I was in high school who was also an alcoholic. She married and had a child. Her husband was also an addict. Her parents were hard core "tough love" and did ask her to not come over until she wanted to quit. She ended up committing suicide. That is not a story to tell you that everyone is different and my parents knew her family and also attended al-anon. My mom once told me that as long as I was alive she had hope and that she just could not turn away from me. And, yes, I put my parents through a lot of pain. I apologized when making my amends to them and asked them what I could do to make it right (that is step 4 & 5 in the 12 steps). Both my mother, father and brother told me that my staying sober was what I could do. I do not know where you live, but there is probably an al-anon meeting nearby. The link I shared can tell you. All you do is type in your location (zip code or city, state I believe). Hang in there. Also, your son's GF will probably wake up to the fact that he needs to stop unless she is an alcoholic also and they are drinking together. There is hope though. Stay in the present moment. Try not to think about tomorrow as it is not here. Sending peace and thoughts to you.
Ginny