Bless you for caring for him and please be kind to him. If he is in treatment; if resting in bed is all he can do, it is probably okay. I was very active before the cancer, but anemia then the treatment rendered me a helpless lump on the sofa- but after the treatments I did feel better and I gave myself time to heal then was ready to go (this was the point the palliative care would have been helpful). As long as he is not stressing about it, he will come around when the time is right. If he is in pain, palliative care may help but it is his choice.

My experience is with the Palliative Care team at University Hospital in San Antonio. My oncology treatment was through UT Health Mays Cancer Center/MD Anderson. I had a video visit prior to beginning chemo/radiation for Oropharangeal Cancer - like many on this thread- base of tongue, HPV SCC. The first visit was an overall assessment - pain management, physical health, emotional & spiritual outlook and well being. The team asked questions about pain, allergies, my living situation (am I safe where I live and in my relationships), do I have a caregiver or need home healthcare. A nurse from the team then followed up a few weeks later (after I had started treatment) to assess if anything had changed, did I need help with anything, am I tolerating pain, etc. After treatment was complete, I reached out to the team because I needed a "tool kit" of sorts to help me deal with the side effects of the chemo/radiation. I spent an hour and a half in the office, first with a triage nurse. She sat and listened as I described fatigue, severe itching, low blood pressure, dehydration, managing a g-tube (and the nausea/constipation). She kept probing - what else? We came up with a list of several things to talk to the doctor about. The doctor then spent more time with me and systematically addressed each issue - let's try this for fatigue, how about this for itching + a referal to dermatology, here are ideas for nausea/constipation. The only time we even talked about end of life care was the offer to notarize advance directives if that was helpful. Because, palliative care is really about patient comfort- sometimes that is end-stage treatment, but it's not limited to that at all. I do hope you find this helpful. I am so sorry your spouse is going through this. I can relate to the vegging out in front of TV, for sure - but pre-cancer I enjoyed my career, walked several miles daily, loved being out on my bike on the weekends and enjoying nature. I want to continue to experience life as fully as I can, so I chose palliative care and I do feel so much better. Peace be with you.

@argues you have the most difficult job of the patient/caregiver relationship. I have been both head and neck patient and caregiver for my husband with bladder cancer and multiple surgeries and complications. Sometimes it just takes time for the patient to heal and come around. Sometimes it takes a more firm approach with a discussion about helping himself get back to life again. Small steps are easier than huge jumps. I might start with a suggestion to just have a first consult with palliative care, and then make a decision about it after that discussion. The experiences of others are so helpful, but the medical team can assess his needs and explain their approach better than anyone. They are used to patients having confusion with hospice and palliative care and if they know his worries going into it, they may be able to convince him to give it a shot. Watching your life partner going through all of this is so difficult, and you are the stronger half of the team right now, and able to make the best decisions. Stay strong and know that he really does appreciate all you are doing. You are a blessing to him.