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What a frustrating and painful situation you’re in and my heart goes out to you, it’s all true what you say because you’re looking at the situation more objectively however, this is not the case with your poor husband. I understand that you want to protect him from manipulation at the hands of his own children, this is truly a tough spot to be in because of the risk involved, I hope that you won’t let it destroy your relationship with him because you’ll both lose. I feel that therapy could be helpful for both of you, it will allow you to get your feelings out and he may want to do so, this will help to strengthen your relationship and deal with the family situation together, best wishes on your journey to happiness.
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We were in therapy when we had similar issues years ago with daughter who’s out of state and I’ve already pulled up same therapist’s name to see if he’s still in business as we last saw him before Covid. I do worry about our relationship but we’re in our 70’s and we still love each other and I don’t want him to feel he has to choose between me or his 50+ son and daughter.., yet we both have a great relationship with my daughter and her hubby who are out of state so on some level he can compare a mutual loving connection vs dysfunctional connections. It’s hard for me to pretend everything is ok as I’m the energy and emotions in this marriage yet I see how the latest issue w son is affecting both of us. Yes therapy is next at least for me and for 39 years the times we’ve been in therapy have been caused by his kids. Thx again.