Needing advice on aging parent

Hi,
What a sad situation for you and your mother! She obviously has some serious issues going on. That must be difficult for you. Besides her husband not being very helpful. Plus the other family members who don't seem interested. I would suggest that at this point you just turn everything over to God. Ask him for his help and guidance and you will receive it. I recently had a husband who had lung cancer and died in July, 2024. Family members ignored his illness when we needed them the most. It was hard to deal with but we both prayed a lot and God answered our prayers. My husband did die but I know he's up in Heaven with God and Jesus and out of pain. We'll be together again, in God's time. It's just hard waiting! I'll say a prayer for you and your family. I wish you the best.
PML

JJ:
Ask you mom if you could accompany her to her medical appointments. Even offer to schedule an annual exam, including a mammogram, bone density, routine labs. Make it a fun day or several days spread out over your schedule. Go to lunch or coffee. Offer to drive. Explain to her that possible at some point, she may need you to navigate a serious medical condition. You'll already be on board.
Also, schedule short visits to get her out of the house. Maybe you need her help choosing a dress for a special occasion, or a new sofa. Every one likes a little special attention, especially aging mothers!
Take baby steps. Senior centers are a great place to go as well as church.
JBV

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sorry about your loss and how difficult it was for the both of you.

You said you can’t get her to help herself, have you spoken directly (in a kind way) of your concerns to her? Maybe she would be relieved to know her difficulties are noticed, & feel less lonely? At that point she may be open to having you accompany her to her doctors appointment, & sharing your observations. I’m sorry you & your mother are in this situation. Best wishes.

@januaryjane
I feel for you as I know how hard it is for adult children to deal with parents/in-laws with dementia. My mother in law had Alzheimer’s and I know how stressful it can be for caregivers. I did more of the caregiving because her son (my husband) was in denial and did not want to accept or fully understand her diagnosis and condition. I kept bugging my husband to do more for his mom but he was very slow in getting her in home care before she ended up in a nursing home (she started to wander and my husband and I both worked full time and had a toddler/young child during her diagnosis/decline.

The best advice I have is to do as much research as you can to understand the condition and how best to care for yourself as a caregiver to avoid/minimize burnout/stress. You need to go through a grieving process throughout the disease as you lose more of your parent over time. It is really hard to watch the disease take over the person you once knew.
1. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-deal-with-dementia-parent
2. https://www.chaptershealth.org/chapters-of-life-blog/medical-conditions/10-tips-for-dementia-caregivers-expert-advice-from-clinicians/
3. https://www.healthline.com/health/dementia/what-to-do-when-you-think-a-loved-one-has-dementia
4. https://www.healthline.com/health/dementia/caring-for-parent-with-dementia-at-home
5. https://www.carewell.com/resources/blog/how-to-talk-to-a-parent-with-dementia/
6. https://neuraleffects.com/blog/how-to-help-a-parent-with-dementia/
7. https://stagesofdementia.org/blog/how-to-help-a-parent-cope-with-dementia
8. https://seniorsafetyadvice.com/how-to-talk-to-a-parent-with-dementia/
9. https://www.humangood.org/resources/senior-living-blog/how-to-cope-parent-living-with-dementia
10. https://www.healthline.com/health/dementia-change-in-personality

I empathize with your situation. My mother was diagnosed with dementia but it came on fairly quickly. She is 81. My brother lives with her and does what he can for sure. I would suggest asking if you can take her to an appointment. Are you able to contact her doctor and express concern? I know that due to HIPAA, they will more than likely not tell you any information, but you can ask to speak to a nurse and let them know you understand that they can not give you information, but you wanted, as her child, to let them know some symptoms. I had to do that with my mother and my brother took her to the doctor and they scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist to test her due to her depression and memory problems. Just a thought. Hang in there.

Hi;
It sounds like there’s something more going on here alright; but I wonder if she would get checked for sleep apnea.
You mentioned sleep issues, and I know that can cause a number of other problems like brain fog, depression, moodiness, and nastier things like stroke and heart problems.
Apnea may not explain all her issues, but it was my first thought.
At this point, it might be worth simply having a loving, straightforward conversation with her and see how that goes. Offer to go with her to drs appts. If she’s not receptive, at some point you may need to enlist the help of outside parties, like her dr or social workers, making no attempt to hide it from her.
Best of luck to you; I know how stubborn aging parents can be, and she’s really not that old.

Hi, I was a geriatric care manager for over 25years and, unfortunately, your situation is more common than most people realize. I would suggest that you either call or write a letter to her primary care doctor expressing your concerns. Yes dementia is a possible, even probable cause of her issues but depression and other illnesses can also present with dementia like symptoms. Either way she is dealing with something that will only get worse if not addressed. There is no “cure” for dementia but there are medications that can slow the progression and if it is a different illness then perhaps it could be treated as well. I agree that suggesting that you accompany her to a doctors appointment is a good idea, especially after you have spoken to or written the doctor with your concerns. The primary care doctor can conduct some early testing and perhaps refer her to a neurologist to try to get to the bottom of the problem. There are also support groups for caregivers that can be extremely helpful for you and can offer you other ideas. Alg.org is the official Alzheimer’s association website and lists support groups in your area and perhaps you won’t feel so alone. Your local senior center may also have support specialists that can help refer you to resources. She is very lucky to have you in her life as someone who is noticing these symptoms and willing to try to help.

I do empathize with you. It’s very difficult to help in those situations. Resistance to help and care is quite common with cognitive decline. I might get a legal consult with an Elder Law attorney in her area to explore your legal options. Getting cooperation and/or the ability to provide care and proper medical care can be challenging. You might be able to get appointed by the court to make decisions for her. Read as much as you can about what the adult caregivers of seniors with dementia go through. It’s extremely stressful. I wouldn’t do it again. I’d strongly encourage someone else in my family to do it. Best of luck.