I get it. I blame myself for pulling the trigger and going forward with the surgery. Sure I had pain walking , and sure the knee was bowing out and the tibia turning out increasingly. It was not ideal, but, I tolerated it. And it did not impact the sleep or mental functioning. So, my wife tries to remind me that the physical aspects of the knee were getting worse, so I really had no choice at some point to do this. But it is hard not to feel regret due to the new reality for the past year. I tell her I would rather be walking with a cane than dealing with the brain and emotional issues that it triggered; then she gets really mad and reminds me that we could not have predicted that this result would have transpired. So many of my colleagues were getting this done all with success. So, I do not try to make her angry, so I try not to talk about it and bottle this up.

By the way, what do you do with the time at night when you cannot sleep? I have not figured this one out, and if I get out of bed and go in another room, I struggle to occupy myself and it tends to make me more anxious depressed. So, I usually just lay there and breathe.

All the therapist say to focus on any positives and not focus on the condition or symptom; your brain is always listening. But, I have tried this approach and the symptoms are very real and are present. The therapists also say you need to make room for, acknowledge and be compassionate and not resist the suffering. A pretty tall order when your brain is not functioning correctly and with this level of suffering. I am beginning to not recognize my real self anymore and it is SO painful.

Claudia, perhaps it is time to try some of the natural remedies for sleep/depression. Various hemp tinctures with CBD/CBG or even THC and also mushroom combinations.