At age 71, this is the only time I have felt grief for anyone.

Posted by willbt @willbt, May 3 8:23pm

Grief: an unknown problem.

There is much background for you, dear reader, to know about me before I can sensibly explain my inexperience and immaturity with grief. So...background...
...My childhood was haunted and full of anger and hatred at my adoptive "parents."

*NB: From this point on, I will make reference to my adopters and their extended families with the pompous adjective "fictive." I never bonded with those people; they were fictional in my mind. Hence: "fictive" sister, cousin, father, etc. The fictives never did get near to me. I already had my own birth name; I already had my own personality. My adopters took away my entire given name! A DOG knows his own name, for Christ's sake!!
I'm glad to be the last one of that entire fictive lot, and particularly pleased at the fact I carry zero percent of their DNA. I got several nice inheritances. Bag money! A nice little trick.

So now...to "grief":

Here I am today at age 71, and I have lost my big brother (74) to Alzheimer's. The disease took him away in two quick years. I am emotionally helpless.

The only human being I bonded with in early life was Pete. He was quietly intelligent, thoughtful and very talented with his hands. He showed me how to fix things and make new things. Pete and I often talked about being adopted; We each had our own theory about it. Adoption was a satisfactory situation for him as he was taken away at age 3 days. I was abducted by my adopters at age 3 1/2. I lived in foster homes until then. I was a tough nut to crack.

Losing Pete has nearly dropped me. I already have chronic pain; now my suffering is doubled.
I have only ever felt joy and vengeance at the death of every member of the fictives.

The realization hit me with a punch that I don't know the language, politesse or meaning in life of grief.
I am obsessed with my mixed-up state of mind. I cry. I feel depressed. I am angry at life - 'Why HIM and not ME? I would gladly have switched places. Does a person in grief talk about it with other people? In detail? Or is it just kept quiet? As a man, am I supposed to not openly grieve to display my inner strength?
I've been having suicidal thoughts. But I'm a Canadian and we don't generally have access to handguns in this country!

What do I do about my turmoil of bad feelings?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

frouke | @frouke | May 3 9:25pm

I’m very sorry for your loss, it’s truly awful and sad to say the least, it’s also a very personal pain so you try to process what happened and try to heal so you can move forward, I realize it sounds so simple but anyone who has loved and lost someone they felt deeply about would understand what you’re going through. Of course I’m sure you know that there is lots of good help if you need it, coming here is a good beginning to your journey, best wishes.

kb2014 | @kb2014 | May 4 1:27am

I feel your pain. I am a trauma survivor whose family was dysfunctional.Your description of them as fictive reveals your pain and grief. In trauma fear anger grief shame are all linked. I am in another support group which has zoom meetings. The leaders are typically licensed therapists. I just completed 2 courses called forgiveness of ourselves and forgiveness of others. One truth so to speak I try to carry out each day. Live to forgive
Forgiveness is for ourselves so we are free because we have something to give and offer others.

marienewland | @mnewland99 | May 4 10:03am

Sorry for what you are going through. Many of us have evolved from a hurtful start in life to a better person than we started out. It hurts when we lose those we cherish. My best friend was diagnosed just about a year before me with cancer and passed about 1 month after I was diagnosed. I’m not close with my small extended family and it’s hurtful because my friend would have been there for me supporting me and cheering me up. But I also studied science in college and even with my faith, I know as hard as it is, this is the cycle of life. My mother had dementia for over 10 years, but it was not a dignified way to leave this world; 2 years is quick but they did not suffer long and hopefully you are not haunted by those thoughts of seeing them suffer. You are alive and here to do good in the world. You are reaching out in pain and sharing your feelings and grief with others that get you and that’s helpful for others. Find the little things in life that make you happy (going to the lake or mountains or a concert), volunteer with a group like a senior citizen center and you will find your path there; lastly you are curious why some of us are faithful, visit a church or temple of your choosing and you may find what it’s all about. Thank you for sharing - we are all in the same boat; some just have a better seat than others!