1. < Depression & Anxiety

i can't stop self-isolating

Posted by meringue700 @meringue700, Jul 24, 2023

after my mental health took a turn for the worst when i was forced to move into a toxic environment and my friend group basically tore itself apart because i was too scared to do anything about it, i've been in an inescapable pit of self-isolation that i honestly don't even feel like i deserve to get out of anymore. i've been talking to like, what, my best friend and sometimes one maybe two other people? and i rarely even talk about my own emotions to my best friend, and basically never to do anyone other than them. the thing is i really don't feel like i'm worth anyone's time anyways, so everyone's just better off if i stay behind and wait for them to talk to me when they want to. i don't do enough for anyone to justify making them pay attention to me, so why should i bother them? "pretty" and "nice" are the only good qualities i can think of for myself, but being pretty doesn't make me a worthwhile person and being nice is just the bare minimum. i'm just... not good enough for anyone. or at least i can't even rationalize myself out of thinking it because it just makes perfect sense to me. i don't know, what am i supposed to do? all i want is to feel loved but how am i supposed to when seeking any interaction or compassion or even just asking for support here makes me feel like i'm the devil? i just feel stuck. what can i even do???
i'm sorry if this is too much, i just can't stop thinking about it right now. and before anyone asks, yes, i have a therapist.

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thisismarilynb | @thisismarilynb | 2 days ago
In reply to @thisismarilynb "Oh the horrors of isolation. We have all gone through it and it is with me..." + (show)
@thisismarilynb

Oh the horrors of isolation. We have all gone through it and it is with me today. I always felt worthless and that I was a bad person. With the help of a really good therapist I found out that this was due to a horrible mother who constantly punished me, humiliated me and made my life as miserable as she could. Since then I also found out that other members of the family knew what she was doing to me but no one stepped in to help me. I honestly do not know how I did this but from somewhere I found the courage to leave her hostile environment and move far away. I was able to find a job and a place to live. I made a sort of life for myself. Some God was smiling down at me because I also met my husband. We were married for 59 years before he died. I am not sure I can ever get over this. My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD because of the abusive childhood I suffered. Most of the time I feel more comfortable being alone and it is hard to meet new people. I am still in therapy. I am also very old. One month from today I will be 89 years old. But physically I am in remarkably good shape. I am able to live independently and drive myself wherever I need to go. I do not look like my age either. So I guess that's a good thing. But I know about isolation and that is not a good thing. My therapist is helping me to go out by myself. So far have not been able to do this. But all we can do is plug away and hope for the best.

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I was so surprised when I read this because it an old comment of mine. Still grieving for my husband, but now I am 90 years old and still doing well and still living independently. In fact I will be leaving the house shortly to drive (yes I can still drive) a couple of friends to a lunch for the three of us.

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