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Dying Well
Does anyone know of a group, anywhere, who can support each other while dying in love and grace? I do not fear dying, for a number of reasons. It will come soon, and I hope I can welcome it, I've worked hard to get to this point. But this is the first time in my eight decades that I feel lonely. I would love to share feelings, experiences, etc. with other like minded folks, but no one in my periphery shares my joy at looking forward to the transition. Family would be horrified, friends terrified. I cannot discuss this with my therapist, he is terrified himself and would be sure I am depressed and possibly suicidal. I am not. I am not anxious to die, I love my life. I used to wonder why God kept me around so long, as everyone around me, even those younger, are passing. I'm thinking it might be the grand gift of the 'Golden Years', 'cuz I am loving these days! I am not anti aging, but have no interest in attempting to retain my youth or live forever. My attitude is "I'm ready whenever He is". Not a religious person, but one of great faith and spirituality. I've spent hours scrolling around to see if there is any entity, group or person who shares my feelings. All I find is stuff to support fear of death, and how to get over it. I'm over it, and have been for some time. I'm trying to age with love and gratitude, and meet the transition the same way. I live each day as joyfully as I can. I'm just kinda bummed that I have no one to share this joy with, who feels as I do. Life has taught me that shared experiences have such great value, but maybe not this? Maybe Mayo should consider a "Dying Well" support group. I can't believe I'm the only person out there. But if I tried to start one, OMG! Friends and family would plotz! I think I'm just tired of having to keep my feelings to myself. It's a long journey, and a great one, and I'd love to share with others like me, learn from each other, help each other along. Thanks to any who read this, and suggestions are welcome but don't be a wiseass.
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I am glad your faith and understanding leads you to peace of mind!
Thank you,
I hope you too have peace
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1 Reaction@happykc I totally get what you mean. So many groups cater for people who fear death, worry about what happens after death and generally need help with coming to terms with dying.
Others (like myself) are comfortable with the prospect of dying and don’t fear it or worry about what happens next. Whether there’s something
or nothing.
Yet many of our loved ones ARE fearful about our deaths and aren’t comfortable talking about it. They are the ones who need those other support groups!
When I was diagnosed with stage 4 appendix cancer the first thing I did was to come to terms with death. I don’t want to die, I love my life. But I don’t fear death and I am at peace that it could be very close around the corner.
If I say something to my family or friends which recognises that (eg “I must do X soon to make sure I get the chance before I die)” they rush to tell me I mustn’t think like that etc. Yes I must!!! I want a group that understands that. It’s not a misery group we’re after but a joyful group supporting each other in making the most of what’s very likely a more limited time.
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7 ReactionsI am a believer in Jesus, and you stated you weren’t
,so I won’t push my beliefs on you, but I have had a POLST and a DNR since I watched several loved ones suffer with the decision of life support and when to let someone go. I am also not suicidal, I love every minute of my life, but I do not ever want to put my Husband or sons in a position of when is the time to turn off life support, I choose to die whenever the good Lord calls me home. I have had legal document signed by my Phycician , for many years and have had to under spinal surgery in 2020. That meant general anesthesia.
I just turned 70 and hope to have many years left here on earth. Barring any diseases or accidents, I seem to have longevity genes. Mom and Dad passed in 2023 at the ages of 90-1/2 and 92. They died within 2 months of each other, and were not sick. Mom is one of 8 kids and only her youngest brother died before 80 due to agent orange poising in Vietnam Nam. Everyone else lived late 80’s or mid 90’s. None had memory issues. I don’t have a support group to recommend to you, but I do understand how you feel about aging . If I was unable to care for myself or unable to make my own decisions, I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to make those decisions for me. Thus my DNR and Polst. My Husband children know my wishes and have promised to honor them. We will all eventually die. But I made my own wishes known in a legal document. I don’t consider this decision horrific, and I am of sound mind.
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2 ReactionsThese replies are hopefully of support and comfort for you.
My sweet client passed 2/25/25, 94 and 2 months short of turning 95. No pain, but A LOT of anxiety thru the past 10 years. Thankfully, you are not in that kind of mental anguish. We had fun and laughter was essential up until it was not necessary any longer. I was amazed by her willingness to share her last few days of "seeing" loved one's and also strangers who just made her beam in delight. I'd ask her, "do you see them?" "YEs! They are talking to me." I could see her lips moving but no words I could hear. I said, "try talking to them" she relied, "oh I am!" She said, "why is D. here?" (her husband who passed 4 years earlier and who I took care of for 6 years.) I said, "because, he chose to be here for you. He loved you a lot, Dear". She smiled as he had never in 42 years said, I lovecyou". You are in my thoughts...you are doing GREAT!! Take good care and stay ALIVE as long as you wish/can!! All the best~
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1 ReactionI am 76. I love my life even though it is filled with physical pain right now. I live in hope that can be solved. Generally I'm in good health. I will live this life for as long as I have. I love my husband and he loves me. We have a wonderful family. I will die when I die. I hope I have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I think. Sometimes though, when one is elderly, and you've talked fairly openly about death and life for others beyond your life, maybe just slipping away is the best. Not really a great shock or surprise. I've had my travel and adventures. Had a great career. Now, I find incredible joy in such simple things in life. Observing nature in minutia. Listeming to my family chat and laugh in the next room. Sharing a glass of wine with my dear friends. Reading a great novel. Trying to meet my couriosity needs about "stuff" Enoying the favorite things of ours with my husband of 55 years. That's all I want or need now, and until the day I die. Although, I hope this pain situation I have now can get resolved because having pain at this level, I could not live with.
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1 ReactionThere are trained professionals who specialize in positively facilitating the final stage of life.
I’m not sure what it’s called in English but I have a truly wonderful student (I’m a yoga teacher) who does this. From her stories, I think this is exactly what you’re looking for. Try googling it.
I think this is called a Death Doula, and there are local organizations many places. Of course hospice doctors and nurses do the same. Thanks for writing.