Does the word “cancer” make friends uncomfortable?

I didn't run into that with either of my cancers as much as you have, but I've come across it a couple of times. In those cases, when I recognized that they were being overly cautious of the topic, I simply told them "it's OK, this is not an emotional thing for me, feel free to speak openly about my cancer and say or ask anything on your mind" and this cleared the air.

It's completely understandable that this happens. When we first get the news we are pretty emotional about it and talking about it just opens a painful memory up repeatedly - but once it's over and you have become accustomed to the shock of it then it's not as nearly big of a deal. The problem is that everyone thinks that you are still in that first phase of emotional distress. Probably not dissimilar to people not knowing what to say when you tell them a family member died recently - but if you say it happened 20 years ago then they give you the perfunctory "I'm sorry for your loss" and move on.

This reaction is natural. People think "wow, if this can happen to Scott who exercises so much and eats right it can happen to ME." If you push past this, things can be better.

Most people I told asked if I needed any help. The reality was I didn't, but I gave them all small tasks: "Would you mind picking up half a gallon of milk for me when you go to the store, I don't feel up to going today," "Could you bring my trash can in on Thursday," "Can I have a ride to the train station Friday" etc. This made them feel useful and also gave them something to start a conversation rather than avoiding me (and put to rest the "but you don't look sick" comments as well): "Hey, I'm going to the store Friday, do you need anything." "No, but have you been watching < show name>." It's a total non-sequitur but nobody noticed.

Also, a surprising number of people talked to me 1:1 about their own cancer experiences.

It all depends of a person. I never had problem talking to anybody who ever confided to me about any medical problem and I assumed other people are like that too, but no, they are not.
Many people do not now how to react when they hear word "cancer" and they would rather not hear it. Those people are usually very self-centered IMHO and for them hearing about somebody's plight is something that "burdens them" and they do not want to think about it. They usually explain it with "I do not know what to say" which is bogus. I have a friend like that. Any time one of acquaintances or even her relatives gets cancer she purposefully never ask them how are they doing or if they need help because she does not want to spend "energy" thinking about that disease, it might make her upset *eyeroll. Her brother in law has prostate cancer, any time I ask her how is he doing she says " emm, I do not know, I suppose he is well" (????????) . When her neighbor's son got stomach cancer I asked if he is doing OK , her answer "I do not know, I did not ask his mom" , and she is talking to that woman on daily bases ! Some things I would never understand ... So yeah, we will not share except with our daughters and one or two very close friends that are proven as discrete people. My husband also told his private business partner that he has PC since it was responsible thing to do. On the other hand he would not tell about cancer to anybody on his "regular job", because he knows of a friend who lost his job after announcement of cancer diagnosis.
So Madissonman - it is not your fault some of bike buddies are freaking out , they were not true friends to begin with so spend time with ones that are supportive , positive and can laugh even in the time of adversity.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, there is a certain amount of “how can he have cancer? He’s really healthy!” My skating coach told me that, since I had cancer, I could skip the final meet of the season but I insisted on competing and I made the podium with silver - second place. And the next oldest man in my class was 18 years my junior!
I appreciate that Tom, my cycling coach, has set the bar high for me knowing I have an aggressive form of PC.
Incidentally, I am 67 years old.

I talked about it with friends and family to let them know it was a process and I would be ok. For most of them and for others I met, I asked them if they have had their PSA checked (now I also ask if they had a PSA/PSE test). Some answered quickly and others asked questions. Most of those people are men and older so they seem a bit more ok with me bringing the testing up and many times that comfortably leads to the prostate cancer elevator pitch for understanding the importance of the testing. I will back off right away if I get the answer "all good" or "I'm fine."

Friends will generally ask me regularly how I am feeling and others can be uncomfortable with the whole concept. I think it depends on how it gets brought up. My intent is to test openness and maybe help someone quickly understand an issue that may arise for them. Other than family, I rarely have that discussion with women.

What I have found is that it’s not easy for others to respond “appropriately.” It’s also important to understand that there’s “little-c” prostate cancer and there’s “big-c” prostate cancer. It’s important to maintain the appropriate mindset based on the severity of the disease and to describe one’s situation appropriately.

I haven’t found any difference in how I’m treated because of my disease and haven’t noticed any wedge or stigma. I also don’t push my disease on them; this is mine, and I convey this information to them no differently than when I injured my back or my knee. This is just another bump in the road for which I don’t expect special treatment from them.

Honestly, I don’t labor over any of those things much - especially how others react to my diagnosis. I focus on treating the disease and maintaining my quality of life. The rest I don’t worry about or let consume me.

So, age 67, competitive skating AND cycling? With Stage IV cancer??
Dude, they’re not talking to you because you are just too freakin awesome!! 💪👍
Phil

@surftohealth88 :

I respectfully disagree with much/most of what you said. There are all kinds of people in the world, and there are all kinds of topics that people are more/less comfortable talking about - even with a relative or good friend (illness, religion, finances, sex, politics). Doesn't mean anyone is "self-centered."

If @madisonman0326 has friends who haven't quite figured out how to interact with him since his diagnosis, that doesn't mean they were not "true friends." They may just need some time to understand/accept that although he's fighting a health problem, he's still the same guy they've been biking with for years.

Everyone is different on the "patient" side, too. I'm a relatively private person - in the two years since I was first diagnosed, I've told a few close family members and a couple of very close friends about my diagnosis/treatment. I'm retired, so co-workers haven't been an issue - if I were still working, I would have given them the "40,000 foot" overview, reassured them that I wasn't dying anytime soon, asked their understanding if I started sweating profusely during a meeting or jumped up to run to the men's room.

My wife, on the other hand, will tell anyone within earshot details about health issues she is experiencing. She craves discussion about such stuff, because (I think) it helps "normalize" it for her. Doesn't work that way for me.

My suggestion for @madisonman0326 is to just go about your business as usual. Show up for your rides, make small-talk with your friends, ask how they're doing and see what happens. My guess is that over time, they'll recognize that this diagnosis hasn't changed their friend dramatically, and will get more comfortable interacting with you as they have in the past.

I think most just dont know how to respond. I work out every day at the gym. Sometimes the conversation comes up. I found more men that have had it than I thought. I have also found I have more of a sensitivity to it than they do. As a 70yr old male with good testosterone my thoughts all go to my ED issues. I still think and feel like that is important.

In my experience, no...

But, neither do we get into "the devil is in the details...!"

My friends and colleagues know I have prostate cancer. Yet, they see me living my life, weekly pickleball with them, ski trips, bike rides, social get togethers. So, it's not something we discuss, especially the details as we do on these forums.

I mean who wants to hear about the side effects of no testosterone, hot flashes? Here in Kansas City we have a company that advertises frequently about "Low T" and its effects on sex, physical fitness...The Low T they are talking about is around 300, not < 7. The answer, TRT, get your sex life back, improve your workouts....me, when I'm on treatment, thinking 300 would be nice! I'm also thinking if you have no sex life because you're in a sexless marriage, T is not the answer!

It's the same with family, they simply are not interested in the details, just want to know if I am ok, I am...

IU do have a friend who was diagnosed in the last year. He asked me some questions and I answered, careful not to say or ask too much to where I overwhelmed him or sounded like I was telling him what to do but enough to answer his questions and let him know I was there for any questions he might have if he needed to bounce his thoughts off my experiences.

I don' think any of my friends, colleagues or family are "uncomfortable" with my diagnosis, they just see me as living "normally," and to a degree, I am.

Kevin