I'm really sorry to hog this, and just keep going, but I never was a gender conforming teen or young adult. I wasn't a cross dresser as a teen, but I did not wear makeup or carry a purse. I did not typically favor dresses, though I did wear them. I did not wear heels. I did not style my hair, I wore it plain and long, like conservative Christians, though I was an agnostic. To me, it represented a men's ponytail. I hated cutting it as a mid 20ish, but it actually did help me be perceived as more male to do so, even before my short year and a half on testosterone. When I say I didn't do these things, I mean that I literally have almost no experience of doing them. If I tried to "detransition" I would have no model to "go back to". I have literally never been "an adult woman". I don't know how to be that role. By modern standards, I have always been either nonbinary/gender non conforming or trans.

I had a minor birth defect. I was probably not intersex, but by extremely strict genital exam standards of some states, I and many women who were born infertile in my particular way like me would not have passed. I have a very mild surgery to correct the birth defect as a young adult.

I could legally be a wife again. I see no issue with that. I do perceive myself as an in between gender role with my partner specifically. I do not perceive myself as a woman in my family or with my friends or colleagues. I do perceive myself as being suppressed and having my patience tested to an extraordinary extent at times, where even the most mild form of assertiveness or goal oriented behavior is viewed as inappropriate for my status in life, and I have to say that this is very strange for how I was raised, because when I was a young woman and a girl, I was always taught to be an assertive and powerful woman, but at this time, I am taught to be meek, perhaps because I am not supposed to be a man. I find it quite concerning and I definitely am eager for the day where I no longer live at home or under the auspices of this particular healthcare system, and have a career again; however, in the mean time, I simply don't even go outside. It seems like having a successful week in long term goals like machine learning or some project or work can also be viewed as manic or aggressive, so I am a bit concerned that I am specifically not supposed to ever succeed at anything again, or be a good role model or have a life. I'm not sure why, since my sister is supposed to, while I am not. Is this also how it is perceived by my doctors? I think so, but I don't know why. So, I definitely look forward to a day where I could have a career and coworkers I see in person again and interact with people as peers who allow me to have dreams for myself and take pride in my achievements, rather than seeing achievements such as passing a machine learning class as failures.

I am hoping I am not fated to be "stay at home uncle" or "youthful organ donor". I would really like to use my training somewhere. And neither of those is something I would be particularly good at, or even respected for doing. If I do die young due to seizures, I would like to be remembered fondly and leave a legacy of some form. I don't have any reason to think I'm dying.

So anyhow, obviously my role in life is not right at the moment, but the roles that have been best have been as a man or nonbinary or gender nonconforming person, and I have literally never been the kind of girl or woman who dressed in feminine attire for the professional world. I don't know what it looks like and I very much do not have the right body language to be successful in that role, because I am not a woman.