Hello starlight6,
My sex life ended with my prostatectomy at age 64. Previous to this, my wife and I enjoyed a very active, happy and imaginative sex life; just like that, it was over.
I tried a variety of penile enhancers, splints, vacuums, every kind of pill…nothing! I tried for quite a while to please my wife sexually in other ways and although my ministrations were successful, we BOTH kept feeling worse and worse emotionally.
She was totally unhappy with the fact that she could not “please” me, couldn’t make me feel good. She thought it was her, that I suddenly found her unattractive or unsexy.
I explained over and over that it was NOT her - it was ME!! I had my nerves destroyed by cancer and surgery and compared my penis to Chris Reeve, who really WANTED to walk, but couldn’t! And although she is a very educated woman who studied anatomy, physiology, etc. she just couldn’t believe it.
I felt bad as well, because little by little, my inability to have a satisfactory erection or orgasm left me drained and frustrated and I began to lose any interest in sex whatsoever.
I was just about to try TriMix injections, but my cancer came back and the ADT/IGRT really finished the job completely. I am still vain and I still want to look good physically but I, like your husband, feel awkward in the shower or naked in front of my wife, my shriveled manhood, surgical scars and umbilical hernia to boot. It’s not easy but it has gotten better over time; I don’t feel good about myself many days, in spite of my wife telling me how much she loves me, how she would rather have me alive as I am - than dead, in manly heaven with an erection😉
I am not an alpha male, yet I too felt an immeasurable loss of self; not so much now that 6 years have passed and sex is no longer the #1 on my mind. Although we both still miss the physical intimacy we can openly joke about it now.
Unfortunately, you and your husband are younger than we are - I am 70, my wife 69 - so your sexual desires are most probably greater - as they should be!
I understand your trepidation at broaching the subject, but the problem has to be addressed; you cannot go on living like a ghost. It can only breed anxiety, frustration and resentment.
I always jokingly tell my wife to get a young stud boyfriend…if she ever did I would just fall down and die on the spot. I think your husband (tough as you think he is) would feel the same way.
As gently - or forcibly if you must - I think you should let your feelings be known: that you are both young, you love each other, you REALLY, REALLY MISS having sex with him and you would like to explore ways in which you can get back to your pre- cancer days. Don’t get all heavy and emotional - men do not respond to that (trust me on this); keep it light, don’t force him into a corner but give him food for thought. Tell him you’re horny, tell him you “need him”. He’ll shrug, grunt or argue but you mustn’t get discouraged.
Just know this: It’s NOT you, you’re not selfish, you ARE attractive.
You are his wife and partner in life and this problem - like the rest of them in life - is best solved together. Best,
Phil