I just couldn’t help myself. Thank you for the laugh. I needed it. Come to think about it…here’s another pamphlet idea

Once upon a time, foreplay meant whispered innuendos, roaming hands, and a general air of possibility. Now it begins with, “Did you remember to defrost the chicken?” and ends with one of you falling asleep upright in a chair. The pamphlet would like you to believe this is still intimacy — that your apron strings are the new lingerie, and that nothing is sexier than synchronized sautéing.

They speak of “cooking together” as if it’s a tantric ritual, a kind of slow-motion orgy conducted over a cutting board. But in reality, it’s two people standing in silence, one of whom can no longer taste food thanks to medication, while the other resents being the designated chopper because “your wrist cramps up again, doesn’t it, Harold?”

There’s no seduction here. No heat, unless you count the microwave. Garlic has replaced perfume. Your most intimate exchange of the week was probably a dispute about whether to keep the damn kale. And yet, this is what we are told to embrace. This, they assure us, is our new erotic landscape — a land where sensuality has been outsourced to domestic tasks and mutual supervision of fiber intake.

The term “cooking as intimacy” sounds romantic until you realize it mostly involves reminding each other what you’re not allowed to eat anymore. “We can’t have that,” she says, “too much sodium.” “And that?” “Might interfere with the statins.” You stare longingly at the forbidden block of cheese, the last symbol of your once-dangerous passions, and settle for something beige, boiled, and utterly sexless.

But hey — the pamphlet says intimacy is evolving. You’ve just leveled up to the part where your libido is a shadow, and your romantic connection is expressed via the even dicing of a zucchini.

And if that doesn’t stir your loins, don’t worry. There’s always Chapter Two: Folding Laundry with Eye Contact.

Yes , I have read those pamphlets ! Write by some Admin Gal in marketing . No clue to reality . Thanks for the laugh . I needed this ! Although I must say after the operation Ed was bad , but 4 years later and a lot of work by me and my wife we are back in the game . A few more curve balls and sliders being thrown , rather than the fastball . But im getting my rotations in as a starter so its working fine ! 🙂