Need help in how to talk to partner about my cancer

@cancersucks1984, I hope you have seen the helpful responses many members have posted. Your question raises a really important topic.

How are you doing? Have you been able to have an open and frank discussion with your partner?

I have stage 4 Unknown Primary. My husband has been by my side through this long fight (2017). He has never let me go through a treatment or scan, surgery or anything alone. With that being said I often feel alone. Recently I had 2 new brain tumors treated with radiation and a lymph node below the esophagus. I will have a scan next month to see how the treatment worked. I am getting tired. I worry about him and how he will be if he is alone. I have built a what if file to assist him but I only hope he has a good support when I am gone. To be honest it has been very hard on our relationship. This is something I didn't expect. We are in totally different places. I am not the person I was before the cancer that is for sure. It has been my heaviest burden. I wish you and your wife strength and peace. God Bless. Stay strong.

@kr60cup, starting a “what if” file, is a constructive and helpful idea. My dad did that for my mom for all the things he took care of. It became a useful and cherished booklet for my mom.

It is hard to think of leaving loved ones and how they will manage. It will be hard for both. You mention that you are at different places. Are you referring to different places of acceptance of the disease and the future?

Yes. My husband, God bless, may see me as stronger than I am. The next plan is chemo. Tissue testing came back most likely a lung cancer. That looks to be my only choice now. Not sure what I will do.

I wish you peace in your soul. Enjoy your days as long as you are able. Thanks for sharing your story. It is very helpful to me and others.

I am doing okay. We are good. Thanks.

Hi @kr60cup, I'm a metastatic lung cancer patient, who just passed the five year mark. I never thought I would make it this far, but now with a treatment that matched my specific disease, I have more reason to be hopeful than ever before.
I'm glad your team sent out your tissue samples for a full work up. Knowing what's driving your cancer is important in finding an effective treatment, even among different types and combinations of chemotherapies. In one of your posts you mentioned feeling alone. I think many cancer patients would agree that they often feel that way too, even when they seem to have a lot of support. We all lay in those scanners alone, we're all alone in our heads worrying and wondering. I tend to be a fairly quiet person, and don't always talk about my cancer unless someone asks. Finding Mayo Connect and an in-person metastatic cancer group in my community really helped me. I was reluctant at first, but I'm thankful that I've been able to become a part of both types of communities. Please reach out and join us in the Lung Cancer group.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/lung-cancer/

Wonderful you were able to find the support you needed!!!! 😆

Your sentence “we all lay in those scanners alone…” is so true. I don’t think too much about my lung cancer until I am waiting for the scan call and have the iv inserted.

@cancersucks1984 Mybheart breaks for both you and your wife 💔 You sound as though you are in a good headspace with your terminal diagnosis for this dreadful disease and the very limited time you have left. It doesn’t sound like you need help accepting this, just your wife burying her head in the sand.

My mother passed from stage 4 lung cancer less than a month after diagnosis. My brother was exactly like your wife, right up until she passed.

Mom tried treatment but it was soon stopped as it wasn’t doing any good. We had a fortnight after we were told Mom was terminal, and had been hoping for a few months at least.

My mother and father were fortunate in having my sister and myself to talk to separately and we could then help them both. We could talk to them frankly separately in a way they couldn’t talk to each other. We could provide them both with a safe space to talk and provide them with support.

Mom (like you) was truly amazing with how she dealt with dying. My word did we have some laughs and do some wonderful things with family and some closest friends (like meeting at the war memorial to watch the sunrise over the river).

Dad needed more help to stop trying to rally Mom. To accept it was now all about Mom and listening to her and do what Mom wanted to do or not do in the time she had left with what energy she had. Whether it was sitting watching kids play in the playground, go for a drive, lie on her bed with either my sister or I sitting cross legged on the bed with her etc.

I wonder if there’s someone in your lives who can help get through to your wife, ready her and put in place support for now as well as after you pass?

If not, maybe you getting a death doula for both of you will help the doula achieve those ends.

I now have incurable stage 4 appendix cancer, currently in remission. Mom has been my inspiration through my own illness.

It is a difficult and heart breaking time, and I wish you and your wife peace and happiness together in the time you have left 🙏🙏❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹