1. < Prostate Cancer

Prostate Cancer. Male Denial, and the absurdity of it all

Posted by hans_casteels @hanscasteels, Apr 10 10:17am

Men don’t go to doctors. We go to garages, sheds, or pubs—sacred spaces where nothing must be spoken unless it involves timber, oil, or football. A man will discuss the death of a beloved dog with more emotional clarity than the lump in his groin. Medical consultation is, in our private mythology, reserved for catastrophic limb loss or inconvenient decapitation.

Denial, for the average male, is not a moment. It’s a system of belief. A cathedral built brick by stoic brick over decades. Our fathers taught us to tough it out. Their fathers taught them to die quietly. The cycle continues. Illness is weakness. Complaining is unseemly. Preventive care is for Americans and people who own yoga mats.

The body begins to fail, of course. Quietly at first. An ache here. A dribble there. We assume it’s just age—or, if we're particularly committed to the illusion—just the weather. That persistent night-time urination? Must be the evening tea. Or the mattress. Or the fact that one side of the bed is clearly cursed. Anything but the organ slowly strangling itself inside your pelvis.

When a partner urges us to “just get it checked,” we bristle. If she persists, we stall. If she makes the appointment for us, we go—resentfully, like a man being marched into a pottery class. We crack jokes to signal comfort. We quote obscure statistics to display control. And when the doctor dons a glove, we retreat into the last true fortress of the aging male: irony.

Once inside the machine—tests, probes, scans—we begin to perform the Ritual of Masculine Surrender. It starts with a joke about turning your head and coughing, and ends with the quiet realisation that you’ve become the punchline in your own dark comedy.

Some men weep. Others double down on stoicism. Most just sit there, nodding solemnly, trying not to vomit on the doctor’s tasteful shoes.

And still, we resist. The diagnosis arrives like a telegram from the front. The prostate—previously unknown, unsung, and unappreciated—has declared war. It’s built a fortress. It’s bringing in reinforcements. The bladder is collateral damage. Erections are taken hostage. Hope is put on long-term disability.

But even then, we maintain the illusion. We call it “a little cancer.” We say, “It’s treatable.” We compare notes with other men, like generals discussing failed campaigns. “Oh, you went the radiation route? Interesting. I opted for chemical castration and despair.”

Because to admit the full weight of it—the fear, the humiliation, the betrayal by our own biology—would be to strip away the last tattered remnants of the male fantasy: that we are somehow exempt from decay.

We are not. We are meat with delusions of grandeur.

So we bluff. We limp into the clinic, complain about the parking, and read Car and Driver while contemplating mortality. We tell ourselves we’re strong. That we’re brave. That it’s just another phase of life, like puberty, except this time everything is shrinking.

Eventually, we stop pretending. But only after it’s far too late to benefit from honesty. By then, we’ve been poked, scanned, shaved, dosed, and told—very politely—that we will never urinate like a young man again.

But don’t worry. There’s a pamphlet for that too. It’s got a photo of two smiling seniors on bicycles.

Neither one of them is wearing a nappy. You’ll find that comforting.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Prostate Cancer Support Group.

graybeard46 | @graybeard46 | Apr 12 8:33am
In reply to @tomf "My greatest surprise from it all is how much I miss a natural erection. Apparently I..." + (show)
@tomf

My greatest surprise from it all is how much I miss a natural erection. Apparently I equated that with my manhood far more than I realized. I've learned how to create them with VED's and Trimix which I appreciate, but I lament needing the artificial help.

Jump to this post

Amen , I’m with you Tom, my manhood is starving to feeling like the man I use to be , it’s been 8 months without sex , never went that long since I was in baby diapers, now I’m in big boy diapers, can’t wait to
Try the Trimix before depression takes over .

REPLY
hans_casteels | @hanscasteels | Apr 12 8:35am
In reply to @heavyphil "Hey @rparsons, We all hear you, buddy! I think about this crap every GD day- when..." + (show)
@heavyphil

Hey @rparsons, We all hear you, buddy! I think about this crap every GD day- when I wake up, when I look in the mirror, when I see young guys bopping around care-free… it reminds me what I’ve lost but then I think of others far worse off.
If you ever want to feel better about yourself and your situation, Google something like “Ukranian battle injuries”. Click on “images” and then sit back and watch the horror unfold.
You think WE lost something?? You think we are flawed? Guys 19 yrs old with all four limbs gone; no faces, no eyes… mutilated and forced to actually live like that in a country that no longer has sidewalks or hospitals, let alone handicapped ramps, motorized wheelchairs and support groups like this one.
We too, have lost something; we too, have suffered a catastrophic event which stays with us and won’t give us rest or peace…
But we didn’t lose it at 19. We can still SEE, walk, run, pick up a forkful of food and put it in an actual mouth and CHEW.
I’m really torn about posting something like this - and it’s surely NOT aimed at you, bud, but all of us - me especially cause I’ve been the worst at what you describe. Your post simply elicited some thoughts that have been swirling around in my confused and conflicted brain. We really need to reset our expectations, dammit!
We all love, love, LOVE @hans Casteels thoughts for the day; they really get to the nub of our feelings, our shared humiliations, our collective loss of manhood - all of it.
But there really IS another side to all this. I guess you’d have to call it perspective? Relative? Comparative?
Is our daily anxiety about our cancer returning really worth all this wasteful energy? Aren’t there people on this forum living that scary notion RIGHT NOW?? Living pretty good lives, to hear them tell it?
Would any of them trade any of their pain, suffering or side effects for no hands? No feet?
A dirty drinking straw for a catheter, because there weren’t any clean, sterile ones? I really don’t think so…I really don’t.
I’m not a fan of the word “blessed” because I straddle both the camps of atheism and agnosticism; so let’s say “fortunate” perhaps? Fortunate that we have a cancer that CAN be treated and CAN be stopped. Not cured, so boo-hoo…Fortunate that we live in a time that better, less invasive treatments are now offered…Fortunate that drugs like Orgovyx stop our cancer in its tracks and more are coming….
Fortunate that when we sit down at the dinner table tonight with our loved ones we can see their faces; that we can feed ourselves, that we can taste how good that food is and how that next episode of your favorite Netflix series is on in a half hour. Our lives are good!!
Think of all this - and then think of those poor mutilated soldiers; and then tell me what any of us have to be anxious or fearful about…
Apologies to @hans Casteels for any use of proprietary content I may have stolen in the construction of this purgative - and unasked for - tirade…
Best to All,
Phil

Jump to this post

Ah, Phil. Nothing like a casual breakfast scroll through war mutilation photos to remind us that our medically castrated, night-sweaty, libido-less, hormone-ravaged selves are actually fortunate. You're absolutely right — perspective is everything. Some people lose their limbs, and some of us just lose our testosterone, our dignity, and the will to watch another TED Talk on “Resilience.”

But we still have forks. And Netflix. So let’s all shut up and feel grateful, dammit.

REPLY
1 reply
heavyphil | @heavyphil | Apr 12 9:32am
In reply to @hanscasteels "Ah, Phil. Nothing like a casual breakfast scroll through war mutilation photos to remind us that..." + (show)
@hanscasteels

Ah, Phil. Nothing like a casual breakfast scroll through war mutilation photos to remind us that our medically castrated, night-sweaty, libido-less, hormone-ravaged selves are actually fortunate. You're absolutely right — perspective is everything. Some people lose their limbs, and some of us just lose our testosterone, our dignity, and the will to watch another TED Talk on “Resilience.”

But we still have forks. And Netflix. So let’s all shut up and feel grateful, dammit.

Jump to this post

Bravo, and leave our narcissism at the door🫣

REPLY
perrychristopher | @perrychristopher | Apr 12 1:15pm
In reply to @vircet "For the longest time, heart attack was on my mind; that caused my father's death when..." + (show)
@vircet

For the longest time, heart attack was on my mind; that caused my father's death when he was 60. Or maybe colon cancer for which I have an exam every couple years. When I turned 68, my doctor ordered a PSA. Then she referred me to a urologist. By February 2025, I knew I have cancer, totally unexpected.
Like @rssplit , I hope to find strength. I had my first SBRT treatment yesterday, 4 more to go, ending on the 21st of April. Hoping for the best.

Jump to this post

My Dad died at 58 from a heart attack. I was thinking along the same line of trying to keep heart healthy to prevent the same. In a way that made me go to the doctor annually to get my blood work done which included a PSA. I was sent to Urologist when PSA hit 2.99. Everyone said probably nothing including Urologist as I passed the DRE but thankfully he ordered a Ultrasound which saw something. 5 months later and after a lot of further testing I had a RALP. Thankfully I've been clear for 2.5 years with only minor side effects. You'll get through your treatment fine.

REPLY
stevieg | @stevieg | Apr 13 4:12am
In reply to @tomf "My greatest surprise from it all is how much I miss a natural erection. Apparently I..." + (show)
@tomf

My greatest surprise from it all is how much I miss a natural erection. Apparently I equated that with my manhood far more than I realized. I've learned how to create them with VED's and Trimix which I appreciate, but I lament needing the artificial help.

Jump to this post

I’m having Great Depression over not being able to get an erection !

REPLY
3 replies
retireddoc | @retireddoc | Apr 13 8:59am
In reply to @heavyphil "Hey @rparsons, We all hear you, buddy! I think about this crap every GD day- when..." + (show)
@heavyphil

Hey @rparsons, We all hear you, buddy! I think about this crap every GD day- when I wake up, when I look in the mirror, when I see young guys bopping around care-free… it reminds me what I’ve lost but then I think of others far worse off.
If you ever want to feel better about yourself and your situation, Google something like “Ukranian battle injuries”. Click on “images” and then sit back and watch the horror unfold.
You think WE lost something?? You think we are flawed? Guys 19 yrs old with all four limbs gone; no faces, no eyes… mutilated and forced to actually live like that in a country that no longer has sidewalks or hospitals, let alone handicapped ramps, motorized wheelchairs and support groups like this one.
We too, have lost something; we too, have suffered a catastrophic event which stays with us and won’t give us rest or peace…
But we didn’t lose it at 19. We can still SEE, walk, run, pick up a forkful of food and put it in an actual mouth and CHEW.
I’m really torn about posting something like this - and it’s surely NOT aimed at you, bud, but all of us - me especially cause I’ve been the worst at what you describe. Your post simply elicited some thoughts that have been swirling around in my confused and conflicted brain. We really need to reset our expectations, dammit!
We all love, love, LOVE @hans Casteels thoughts for the day; they really get to the nub of our feelings, our shared humiliations, our collective loss of manhood - all of it.
But there really IS another side to all this. I guess you’d have to call it perspective? Relative? Comparative?
Is our daily anxiety about our cancer returning really worth all this wasteful energy? Aren’t there people on this forum living that scary notion RIGHT NOW?? Living pretty good lives, to hear them tell it?
Would any of them trade any of their pain, suffering or side effects for no hands? No feet?
A dirty drinking straw for a catheter, because there weren’t any clean, sterile ones? I really don’t think so…I really don’t.
I’m not a fan of the word “blessed” because I straddle both the camps of atheism and agnosticism; so let’s say “fortunate” perhaps? Fortunate that we have a cancer that CAN be treated and CAN be stopped. Not cured, so boo-hoo…Fortunate that we live in a time that better, less invasive treatments are now offered…Fortunate that drugs like Orgovyx stop our cancer in its tracks and more are coming….
Fortunate that when we sit down at the dinner table tonight with our loved ones we can see their faces; that we can feed ourselves, that we can taste how good that food is and how that next episode of your favorite Netflix series is on in a half hour. Our lives are good!!
Think of all this - and then think of those poor mutilated soldiers; and then tell me what any of us have to be anxious or fearful about…
Apologies to @hans Casteels for any use of proprietary content I may have stolen in the construction of this purgative - and unasked for - tirade…
Best to All,
Phil

Jump to this post

Thanks for that Phil. I, too, have almost veered down the road of self pity, but upon further reflection, did a quick U turn and choose the road-if not blessed-at least fortunate. I had 68 years of good health and a great sex life; far more than some are given. And it's not over. Although I "suffer" from stress incontinence and climaturia (wife is not a fan), I have regained nocturnal erections to some degree and then there is the reliable Trimix.

My G9 cancer seems to be in a state of remission but I realize my next PSA check could change all of that. I have bounced around the 5 phases of grief and have come to at least a measure of acceptance. I occasionally backtrack and get a little angry now and again but mostly I have come to terms with it.

Your narrative of "others have it worse" somehow offers a little solace, although I take no joy in other's misery. I guess it's just a reminder that there are worse circumstances in life. I was talking to my life long friend and financial advisor last week and he delivered the news that his brother, in his early 60s, dropped dead of a heart attack. Then the next day I called one of the ERs to speak with one of the ER physicians about an issue and asked for either Dr. X or Y. "I'm sorry, didn't you hear? Dr. X died of a heart attack last Friday." Younger than me; both of them. So, the grim reaper comes for us all.

You mentioned the word "blessed". I, too used to bristle when I heard people use it and it wasn't a part of my vocabulary until the last few years. Being scientifically inclined, logical and rational (I hope!) in my thinking, the word blessed had vague connotations of mysticism for me. I guess you could have labelled me an agnostic; I just didn't give much thought to God. I was too busy living life, making money and raising a family.

Back about 10 years ago I began amateur study of Cosmology. I got the itch to understand how it all happened and we how we got here. Read a lot of books and looked at videos/lectures by leading astronomers. I won't go into details because this post is already longer than I intended, but the calculated odds of chance resulting in this Universe have been calculated to be so astronomical as to be virtually impossible. "Fine tuning" they call it. To get get around that little issue without invoking God, some cosmologists have invoked the Marvel infinite multiverse theory, of which there is zero scientific evidence. To quote the British astronomer Fred Hoyle "A common sense interpretation of facts suggest a super intellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as chemistry and biology, and there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature". BTW, Fred Hoyle was an atheist earlier in his life. He didn't embrace the Christian view of God but I'll let his quote stand on its own.

This scientific journey lead me to a faith in God. That faith in God has given me a measure of serenity and peace, and for that I am grateful-some would say blessed.

REPLY
2 replies
vircet | @vircet | Apr 13 10:30am
In reply to @retireddoc "Thanks for that Phil. I, too, have almost veered down the road of self pity, but..." + (show)
@retireddoc

Thanks for that Phil. I, too, have almost veered down the road of self pity, but upon further reflection, did a quick U turn and choose the road-if not blessed-at least fortunate. I had 68 years of good health and a great sex life; far more than some are given. And it's not over. Although I "suffer" from stress incontinence and climaturia (wife is not a fan), I have regained nocturnal erections to some degree and then there is the reliable Trimix.

My G9 cancer seems to be in a state of remission but I realize my next PSA check could change all of that. I have bounced around the 5 phases of grief and have come to at least a measure of acceptance. I occasionally backtrack and get a little angry now and again but mostly I have come to terms with it.

Your narrative of "others have it worse" somehow offers a little solace, although I take no joy in other's misery. I guess it's just a reminder that there are worse circumstances in life. I was talking to my life long friend and financial advisor last week and he delivered the news that his brother, in his early 60s, dropped dead of a heart attack. Then the next day I called one of the ERs to speak with one of the ER physicians about an issue and asked for either Dr. X or Y. "I'm sorry, didn't you hear? Dr. X died of a heart attack last Friday." Younger than me; both of them. So, the grim reaper comes for us all.

You mentioned the word "blessed". I, too used to bristle when I heard people use it and it wasn't a part of my vocabulary until the last few years. Being scientifically inclined, logical and rational (I hope!) in my thinking, the word blessed had vague connotations of mysticism for me. I guess you could have labelled me an agnostic; I just didn't give much thought to God. I was too busy living life, making money and raising a family.

Back about 10 years ago I began amateur study of Cosmology. I got the itch to understand how it all happened and we how we got here. Read a lot of books and looked at videos/lectures by leading astronomers. I won't go into details because this post is already longer than I intended, but the calculated odds of chance resulting in this Universe have been calculated to be so astronomical as to be virtually impossible. "Fine tuning" they call it. To get get around that little issue without invoking God, some cosmologists have invoked the Marvel infinite multiverse theory, of which there is zero scientific evidence. To quote the British astronomer Fred Hoyle "A common sense interpretation of facts suggest a super intellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as chemistry and biology, and there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature". BTW, Fred Hoyle was an atheist earlier in his life. He didn't embrace the Christian view of God but I'll let his quote stand on its own.

This scientific journey lead me to a faith in God. That faith in God has given me a measure of serenity and peace, and for that I am grateful-some would say blessed.

Jump to this post

@retireddoc I am delighted that your scientific journey led you to a faith in God.
Although Fred Hoyle didn't embrace the Christian view of God, I think he was close.
(Over dinner, a university professor told his fellow professor (an atheist) that it takes more faith to believe in evolution [without a creator] than to believe in the Creator.)
I heard this part of the story directly from the professor who studied and then joined the faculty of the university that his father warned him, "Don't go there. Everybody there is an atheist, you will be an atheist too." He remained a man of faith.

REPLY
heavyphil | @heavyphil | Apr 13 11:01am
In reply to @retireddoc "Thanks for that Phil. I, too, have almost veered down the road of self pity, but..." + (show)
@retireddoc

Thanks for that Phil. I, too, have almost veered down the road of self pity, but upon further reflection, did a quick U turn and choose the road-if not blessed-at least fortunate. I had 68 years of good health and a great sex life; far more than some are given. And it's not over. Although I "suffer" from stress incontinence and climaturia (wife is not a fan), I have regained nocturnal erections to some degree and then there is the reliable Trimix.

My G9 cancer seems to be in a state of remission but I realize my next PSA check could change all of that. I have bounced around the 5 phases of grief and have come to at least a measure of acceptance. I occasionally backtrack and get a little angry now and again but mostly I have come to terms with it.

Your narrative of "others have it worse" somehow offers a little solace, although I take no joy in other's misery. I guess it's just a reminder that there are worse circumstances in life. I was talking to my life long friend and financial advisor last week and he delivered the news that his brother, in his early 60s, dropped dead of a heart attack. Then the next day I called one of the ERs to speak with one of the ER physicians about an issue and asked for either Dr. X or Y. "I'm sorry, didn't you hear? Dr. X died of a heart attack last Friday." Younger than me; both of them. So, the grim reaper comes for us all.

You mentioned the word "blessed". I, too used to bristle when I heard people use it and it wasn't a part of my vocabulary until the last few years. Being scientifically inclined, logical and rational (I hope!) in my thinking, the word blessed had vague connotations of mysticism for me. I guess you could have labelled me an agnostic; I just didn't give much thought to God. I was too busy living life, making money and raising a family.

Back about 10 years ago I began amateur study of Cosmology. I got the itch to understand how it all happened and we how we got here. Read a lot of books and looked at videos/lectures by leading astronomers. I won't go into details because this post is already longer than I intended, but the calculated odds of chance resulting in this Universe have been calculated to be so astronomical as to be virtually impossible. "Fine tuning" they call it. To get get around that little issue without invoking God, some cosmologists have invoked the Marvel infinite multiverse theory, of which there is zero scientific evidence. To quote the British astronomer Fred Hoyle "A common sense interpretation of facts suggest a super intellect has monkeyed with physics, as well as chemistry and biology, and there are no blind forces worth speaking about in nature". BTW, Fred Hoyle was an atheist earlier in his life. He didn't embrace the Christian view of God but I'll let his quote stand on its own.

This scientific journey lead me to a faith in God. That faith in God has given me a measure of serenity and peace, and for that I am grateful-some would say blessed.

Jump to this post

Nice to hear from you, Doc. I think of you often when I hear the words “triplet therapy” because I know how grueling that must have been and how often you must have gone through many periods of questioning, doubt and exhaustion. Yours is a unique journey…
I will be sure to look into the writings of Fred Hoyle - sounds like someone I could learn from.
The fact that he didn’t accept the Christian (or Judeo- Christian) concept of God is encouraging. All the “thou shalt worship me” ideas from my altar boy days still haunt me.
While the idea of a Prime Mover or Initiator is always something I have considered, it’s more in the sense of lightning bolts hitting a primordial sea and somehow sparking that “soup” into life here on earth.
The Universe is just off the scale of my comprehension!
Big Bang from a black hole? All the cosmos created from the implosion of something defined in the negative? Guess I’ll be doing some reading and get back to you, Doc!
Phil

REPLY
1 reply
vircet | @vircet | Apr 13 11:46am
In reply to @heavyphil "Nice to hear from you, Doc. I think of you often when I hear the words..." + (show)
@heavyphil

Nice to hear from you, Doc. I think of you often when I hear the words “triplet therapy” because I know how grueling that must have been and how often you must have gone through many periods of questioning, doubt and exhaustion. Yours is a unique journey…
I will be sure to look into the writings of Fred Hoyle - sounds like someone I could learn from.
The fact that he didn’t accept the Christian (or Judeo- Christian) concept of God is encouraging. All the “thou shalt worship me” ideas from my altar boy days still haunt me.
While the idea of a Prime Mover or Initiator is always something I have considered, it’s more in the sense of lightning bolts hitting a primordial sea and somehow sparking that “soup” into life here on earth.
The Universe is just off the scale of my comprehension!
Big Bang from a black hole? All the cosmos created from the implosion of something defined in the negative? Guess I’ll be doing some reading and get back to you, Doc!
Phil

Jump to this post

If you are able to get a copy, this is a good read. The author was an atheist. No longer.
REPLY
1 reply
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.