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tabi (@tabi)

Depression and abusive marriage

Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Apr 12, 2021 | Replies (16)

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Hi there ….. no, you’re surely not alone. There’s many, many of us who have been right where you are. I was married for 40 years to a man with a personality disorder …. he was “fine” ….. I was “illogical and irrational.” (among many other things) I was determined to “make this marriage work” because, like you, I didn’t have anyone.” Sure, I had 3 grown kids, but as far as parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, etc. … nothing. I felt totally alone. I wound up on the verge of a breakdown, and my therapist (and if you don’t have one … DO get one) told me that if I did not leave the home, he would have to have me admitted to the local private mental hospital. That afternoon I called a friend – not a close friend, just a friend who knew what was happening – and asked her if I could take her up on her offer to rent a room from her. The very next day, I was gone …. just me, my kitty, my clothing, and my stack of journals (and do journal if you’re not already – it’s invaluable). He didn’t seem to care. I was there for 2 years, all the while hoping that he would realize his piece of our problems, and all the while having meetings with my lawyer. Well, he didn’t budge, I filed for divorce, and he didn’t fight it. To this day he is convinced that I was “just nuts.” I never did anything right in his eyes, I was stupid, never knew what I was talking about, and he accused me of “having an affair with my therapist.” During a mediation it came out that he had hacked into my e-mail, made copies, and brought them to the mediation. They had nothing in them except a lot of sadness. The Mediator told him that “you know that’s illegal, she could sue you and have you charged for doing that.” ((I liked that)) So, I lived with my church friend for 2 years, then moved into my own condo, and probably for the first time in many years, I no longer had a knot in my stomach, wondering what was coming next, what I did wrong now, how did I upset him.
Hon, you have to decide whether you are worth it or not. You say you have no-one around …. what about your church if you have one? does your pastor know your situation? And …. if all else is absent ….. there are womens’ shelters for women just like you ….. they can be a valuable help and resource for you. Don’t keep putting up with this garbage …. it’s just not true. YOU ARE WORTH IT! GET OUT!

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Replies to "Hi there ..... no, you're surely not alone. There's many, many of us who have been..."

I am new to Mayo Clinic Connect. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I married at 21 to a narcissist and moved to where he lived in another state. I was isolated and I think unconciously I knew something was not right because he did not want to be intimate very much, but I was made to believe it was me but I just tried my hardest to make it better. He wanted me to dress a certain way and cut my hair short and wear make up a certain way. It was never good enough for him and he withheld affection unless I did those things. He lied about things and I started to question myself. I was always doing something wrong and apologizing for it. We had two daughters and that brought me joy and kept me busy. He crossed the line and I caught him and did confront him and said he couldn't do that. I caught him again. The third time was worse and I started making plans to leave secretly with the help of friends. I had to stand up for myself and be a better example and show my daughters it wasn't right. About a year into being separated with verbal abuse abounding even through the app the judge required us to use, I started researching the wierd behavior of obvious lies and outlandish accusations and realized those were traits of a narcissist. I have supportive friends where I work who could not believe I filed for divorce bc I never spoke bad of him. I have started seeing a counselor and have done 2 sessions of EMDR. When she told me that what I was describing was considered mental abuse I cried so hard. Someone validated the crazy things that I had dealt with for years walking on eggshells. Thanks to covid I am still not divorced and still receive hateful messages. Yesterday I told my lawyer that I need to have absolutely NO CONTACT with D and I want to file against him for verbal abuse and harrassment. I know this is ia stirring up a wasps nest but I also know that in order to heal that is what I must do. Thankfully my youngest turns 18 very soon. Leaving was the bravest thing I have ever done. Trying to be strong for my daughter has been hard and being on my own has been challenging but rewarding, but now I am fully acknowleding what I went through and accepting that I was mentally abused and doing all I can to fight the effects. My friend says I am a baddass woman. I found that phrase on Pinterest and framed it.

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