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Should I stop being friends with someone.. how to tell them?

Posted by help541 @help541, Apr 7 11:45am

I have a friend I've known since 7th grade. I'm currently a junior in high school. Ever since I've known her, she's mothered me like I was a kid or something. comments like "be a nice child" '"don't do that" .. etc... (We're the same age.) At first, I tolerated it, but it eventually got old fast. I don't like to be bossed around at all. I would ask her to stop and she took it well, she said she would stop. A week later she kept mothering me. 3 times later I was like "Hey stop I don't like when you do this. " It got to the point Instead of asking her to stop, I was telling her to stop. She won't stop. The last time I told her to stop, I said "Look if you do it again I'm done being your friend, I ask you to stop doing something that bothers me and you don't stop. " Well, she's doing it again. Even my teammates are noticing it, and asking me how I put up with her and that it annoys them and they aren't even friends with her. I'm genuinely done with this friendship, I don't really want to mend it, and I don't know how to end this friendship nicely. We see each other every day, so ghosting her isn't really an option. Am I being too harsh?

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judimahoney | @judimahoney | Apr 10 9:23am

She may be mothering because she isn't mothered herself. Do you know her backstory, anything about her homelife? You may be her safe space and her mothering could be a reaction to her homelife.

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1 reply
help541 | @help541 | Apr 10 9:45am
In reply to @judimahoney "She may be mothering because she isn't mothered herself. Do you know her backstory, anything about..." + (show)
@judimahoney

She may be mothering because she isn't mothered herself. Do you know her backstory, anything about her homelife? You may be her safe space and her mothering could be a reaction to her homelife.

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Yes, She lives in a household that is incredibly religious. Her mom is usually always there except when she has to work, which isn't often.

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help541 | @help541 | Apr 10 9:54am
In reply to @itchyd "Sounds to me like your "friend" isn't really your friend, anymore. You've repeatedly told her that..." + (show)
@itchyd

Sounds to me like your "friend" isn't really your friend, anymore. You've repeatedly told her that she's offending you, yet she continues to. She's acting passive-aggressively and gives every sign that your feelings don't count to her. Perhaps she's jealous of you? Has your circle of friends dramatically expanded during your high school years? She may being felt left behind. I don't know. But, if this is more than a minor annoyance to you, I'd recommend, at the least, an extended period of ghosting. Sounds like that may be the only way to let her know you're serious.
Good luck!

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I've made a few friends throughout high school but not a ton. 5 at most, she's been included in the friend group.

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help541 | @help541 | Apr 10 9:59am
In reply to @kudzu "Tough situation to be in; especially since it’s gone on so long. I thought about this..." + (show)
@kudzu

Tough situation to be in; especially since it’s gone on so long.
I thought about this before commenting, and realized what you’re describing sounds like a form of bullying. If so, bullying should never be tolerated.
I’m not sure this girl was ever a true friend. A friend would respect your feelings and try to change her behavior. It seems like this girl gets some sort of satisfaction from treating you this way. Maybe she needs help.
The fact you are no longer willing to tolerate this sounds like you are maturing in a healthy way. Whether or not there’s fault on both sides, this relationship appears destructive to you and may be impacting the rest of the team.
I suggest ending this “relationship” immediately. If this girl pays no attention to you, can you enlist the help/support of other teammates, friends, or maybe a trusted coach or counselor? Since it’s gone on so long, you may need help extricating yourself.
You have my sympathies. There probably is no pleasant way to end this; life is full of difficult situations. However, you will wind up with more strength and self respect.

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Thank you, I feel bad for trying to avoid her, especially having to see her every day. It's hard to have to end this friendship, and she's finally gotten the message I've been avoiding her. Unsure what to say when to end this friendship

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1 reply
help541 | @help541 | Apr 10 10:17am
In reply to @sueinmn "@help541 Wow, I watched this whole discussion develop, and I'm ready to say it out loud...." + (show)
@sueinmn

@help541 Wow, I watched this whole discussion develop, and I'm ready to say it out loud. This person is being an emotional bully. Putting you down (head pats & snide remarks), "mothering" and refusing to stop in spite of being asked and told - that's bullying. When it is so bad even teammates notice it - that's bullying.

She is not your friend, and you already told her the consequence of her action, so by stopping associating with her isn't ghosting, it's keeping your word.

I suggest if she continues, that you enlist a teacher, coach or counselor to have a conversation with the 2 of you and emphasize why you are cutting ties. She will be unhappy and she may try to retaliate so with a trusted adult, you need to have a plan to protect yourself. You don't need to handle it alone.

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thank you

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Phoenix | @kudzu | Apr 10 11:18am
In reply to @help541 "Thank you, I feel bad for trying to avoid her, especially having to see her every..." + (show)
@help541

Thank you, I feel bad for trying to avoid her, especially having to see her every day. It's hard to have to end this friendship, and she's finally gotten the message I've been avoiding her. Unsure what to say when to end this friendship

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Can you talk to her with a trusted adult present? Maybe practicing what to say with that adult would help.
I’m thinking just say to her what you’ve been saying here in a kind way.
What has she said or done to let you think she’s finally gotten the message?
Don’t feel guilty about this; you aren’t ending the relationship to be mean,
you’re trying to maintain your own health. Also, continuing to let her abuse you is not helping her either. Be prepared for her to guilt trip you and/or promise to change; stay strong.
As the moderator wrote, do have a plan in place in case she retaliates. Not to be dramatic, but when an abuser(bully) loses their victim; things can get unpredictable.
From what I’ve read here, I do think this girl needs help.
If she’s acting out what happens to her at home, wow! When you talk to her, maybe the adult can offer help.
Let us know how this goes; we’re here for you.

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itchyd | @itchyd | Apr 10 8:53pm
In reply to @sueinmn "@help541 Wow, I watched this whole discussion develop, and I'm ready to say it out loud...." + (show)
@sueinmn

@help541 Wow, I watched this whole discussion develop, and I'm ready to say it out loud. This person is being an emotional bully. Putting you down (head pats & snide remarks), "mothering" and refusing to stop in spite of being asked and told - that's bullying. When it is so bad even teammates notice it - that's bullying.

She is not your friend, and you already told her the consequence of her action, so by stopping associating with her isn't ghosting, it's keeping your word.

I suggest if she continues, that you enlist a teacher, coach or counselor to have a conversation with the 2 of you and emphasize why you are cutting ties. She will be unhappy and she may try to retaliate so with a trusted adult, you need to have a plan to protect yourself. You don't need to handle it alone.

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Good points here. My previous comment suggested ghosting, but I guess that term more specifically applies to dropping someone without any warning (the ghostee not really being aware as to what they've done to deserve it). I agree that "Mother Hen" is being a bully.

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imallears | @imallears | Apr 11 7:07am

@help541

Hi,
If you are still on this forum and reading all the advice taken from personal experiences, I think now is the time to just follow your instincts. This is a lot of information to digest. Hopefully it has helped you to make a decision and you have moved on knowing that everyone has experienced a similar situation that is very common.

FL Mary

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help541 | @help541 | Apr 11 10:15am
In reply to @kudzu "Tough situation to be in; especially since it’s gone on so long. I thought about this..." + (show)
@kudzu

Tough situation to be in; especially since it’s gone on so long.
I thought about this before commenting, and realized what you’re describing sounds like a form of bullying. If so, bullying should never be tolerated.
I’m not sure this girl was ever a true friend. A friend would respect your feelings and try to change her behavior. It seems like this girl gets some sort of satisfaction from treating you this way. Maybe she needs help.
The fact you are no longer willing to tolerate this sounds like you are maturing in a healthy way. Whether or not there’s fault on both sides, this relationship appears destructive to you and may be impacting the rest of the team.
I suggest ending this “relationship” immediately. If this girl pays no attention to you, can you enlist the help/support of other teammates, friends, or maybe a trusted coach or counselor? Since it’s gone on so long, you may need help extricating yourself.
You have my sympathies. There probably is no pleasant way to end this; life is full of difficult situations. However, you will wind up with more strength and self respect.

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@imallears @phoenix @itchyd Update: I explained to her that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She asked why, and I explained that I had asked you to stop, and you wouldn't. She's also been talking to my boyfriend, which I'm very confused about, especially since we aren't friends. I get being friendly to him if you see him with me, but to be flirty-eyed and talk to him without me there is odd.

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1 reply
Phoenix | @kudzu | Apr 11 2:21pm
In reply to @help541 "@imallears @phoenix @itchyd Update: I explained to her that I didn't want to be friends with..." + (show)
@help541

@imallears @phoenix @itchyd Update: I explained to her that I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. She asked why, and I explained that I had asked you to stop, and you wouldn't. She's also been talking to my boyfriend, which I'm very confused about, especially since we aren't friends. I get being friendly to him if you see him with me, but to be flirty-eyed and talk to him without me there is odd.

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Hi;
Thanks for the update. Glad you made a decision and followed through on it. Sounds like you were clear about your reason so she couldn’t misunderstand.
Not sure what’s going on with the boyfriend; my first thought is retaliation.
I and @sueinmn suggested being prepared for possible retaliation and having a plan in place.
It’s not easy, but try to stay calm and not let it get to you.
I think it really is a good idea to talk this over with a trusted adult who’s on the scene.
Let us know how you do.

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