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I don't want to offer anyone false hope, but sometimes you can come back, at least for a while.
I remember being in hospital in fall 2021 when it felt like one domino was falling after another over the first two months: stage-4 cancer diagnosis, paralysed from my ribs down (paraplegia), 10+ hours of emergency spinal surgery, post-op spinal radiation, prolonged digestive-system shutdown (ileus) and I/V feeding, stomach suction tube through my nose, temporary diabetes and insulin shots, serious blood clots (DVT), pneumonia and partial lung collapse (atelectasis), fluid build-up in my back (seroma), and hot flushes etc from starting ADT and Erleada. It was a rare day that I wasn't slid from my hospital bed onto a stretcher and wheeled out for at least one test or scan.
But then they finally decided they had stuff under control enough to move me from a critical-care bed to a bed in the rehab centre, and I started a tough 6-week training regimen of rebuilding my atrophied muscles, kindling my appetite for food again (I'd lost 40 lb), learning to live/cook/maneuver etc from a wheelchair, starting to stand holding parallel bars, etc etc.
So somehow, I made it back. I had a few more smaller health crises after I went home, but gradually I stabilised and got, maybe, 70–80% of my old health and mobility back, which felt like a miracle.
All the firsts — first time back home, first time sharing a bed with my spouse after 3½ months, first time seeing my neighbourhood again (as my spouse pushed me around), first time walking 20 metres outside with a walker (felt like a marathon), first time at a restaurant, first time driving a car, etc — felt like victories.
I see a lot of anger and resentment from forum members here, and I fully understand it. I feel that way sometimes too, and still am adjusting to the fact my cancer will never be cured. But when you've been down there, and then granted a second chance, the primary feeling isn't anger but joy and gratitude.
Low energy sometimes? Hot flushes? Urge incontinence? Sexual dysfunction? Gynecomastia? Bah! I can deal with those, as long as I get to walk down the street on my own two legs again and hear the birds sing for yet another spring. 🐦
Replies to "I don't want to offer anyone false hope, but sometimes you can come back, at least..."
@northoftheborder Oh my goodness. What a post!!!! I’m so glad you’ve made it back and that you’re sharing your experiences with us. Truly inspirational and helpful. Wishing you many more enjoyable days 🙏
I remember well your comments mid last year when I was wondering whether it was selfish to get puppies while in remission from incurable stage 4 appendix cancer. Now I understand where you got your wise words from.
Thank you for your perspective. My puppies and I have back up plans but we’re loving each day. They’re now 10 months old and wonderful as well as very naughty loving little souls 😊 ❤️🩹
Hi,
You went through a lot! Good for you for getting to the point of even driving a car again! You must have had God on your side the whole time. I think that's wonderful.
What is urge incontinence? I have incontinence but I'm not sure what kind it is. I just know it's inconvenient and can be embarrassing and expensive with the high cost of those pads.
You did mention that your cancer will never be cured. However, with God all things are possible and it looks like he's already helped you a lot so maybe your cancer will be cured! It certainly will when you die and go to Heaven. My husband had cancer and died last July. However, I know he's out of pain and up in Heaven with God and Jesus and eventually we'll be together again.
I'm so glad things have worked out well for you or at least better than they were.
PML
I had Breast Cancer years ago. So far so good! NEVER EVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT!!
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For me, it was the classic stages of grief, but not necessarily in order and lots of bouncing around: anger (still cringe when I think of some of the things I said to the people who love me), denial, depression (got stuck in this one for a LONG time), bargaining and acceptance. I'm halfway between bargaining and acceptance right now.
But as to your question of taking care of "present me" ... I retired a few weeks ago from a job I really love because I want to start doing some other things. I'm still getting used to finishing those other things in 5-6 hours and then finding something to do for the other 10 that I'm awake.
I have an e-bike but as I've gotten stronger again, I've turned off the pedal assist and just ride it as a normal bike. There's a fantastic trail near me that goes through the woods and if I go around 9 AM most other people are at work and I only see trees, water and animals which is good for my spirit.
I challenged myself to compliment a stranger at least 5 days a week even if it's something simple like "cool t-shirt dude."
I restarted my Spanish lessons. I can read Spanish fairly fluently--a trashy novel is no problem, but I can't read Gabriel Garcia Marquez YET. I made a huge stride where I no longer translate to English in my head. I want to work on speaking and understanding spoken Spanish.
Finally, I had completely stopped drinking alcohol but I really like whiskey so decided that once a week, on Friday (today, YAY!), I will have a glass and savor it with my feet up and the dog on my lap.