Grief for life lost: How to cope with "Did I waste my entire life?

I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you the best advice, but please know that you have a good life ahead of you, don’t look back - - move forward each day.

I am very sorry you got into a marriage like that. Know that you are not alone and that many many people understand the grief that you are experiencing. I would hate to see you spend your time thinking about how you wasted time in the past, because that would be like you giving your time in your new life to the same abusive spouse. I hope you can, for the most part, start fresh and make the most of your time from this point on. I am no expert on this, but I think that I would grieve when it really hits me and then try to focus on something else that I want to do.

I know someone that was betrayed after forty years of marriage. What she did, to try and cope with that, was to schedule something each day of the week but one. For example, she may go to a card game on Tuesday and have lunch with girlfriends each Wednesday, or whatever it was that she wanted to do. She just left one day open for things that would come up like going to dinner with me. She found that having something scheduled to look forward to each day helped her. I don't know if that would help you, but that is one idea.

I pray that you will find your way to a fulfilling and happy life. I certainly think you deserve it after all the years "serving time" with an abusive spouse. If possible, you may want to talk to a counselor to help you move forward. Without someone to help us see the way, sometimes we find ourselves back in the same situation we were in before by accident. I hope that never applies to you, but it hits close to home for me.

You are not alone. I married a narcissist when I was 20 years old. I knew nothing at 20 years old. My cultural conditioning told me that is what a woman does--get married at 20 years old. All my girlfriends did it, too. I lived with someone who was profoundly mentally ill, no cure for narcissism. After 12 years, I finally got away. It wasn't wasted time because I learned a great deal from the relationship. Painful lessons, but very valuable. Live in this day. I cannot change the past. I can change how I view it though. And the future never gets here. Live but one day at a time. I know this is new to you and it takes time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Grieve the losses.

I agree with all the other comments. The time has not been wasted if you learn from your experiences. It seems you married young, so even twenty-five years later, you are STILL young! You have so much life ahead. Grab it! I love the idea of planning one thing each day you can look forward to, and build the day around. Good advise for all of us “getting through” something.
Good luck to you. You are on your way.

I just left a 13 year long marriage with an undiagnosed narcissist. I have left several times but this feels like the end. I will add that I am an empath which adds a very interesting dynamic. This time I decided to seek information about why my marriage is always in turmoil. What I uncovered blew me away. I did not realize that my husband is, without question, a narcissist. I have heard the term but never really paid much attention to the horrors of being in a relationship with one. Everything I have and am experiencing now makes sense. On one hand I am relieved to know that I am not crazy or irrational. On the other I am beyond heartbroken to know my marriage is most likely over.

Our love story started like many others; two people who loved each other and decided to make it for a lifetime. He exhibited no sign of what was to come. Gradually, alarming behaviors began to manifest; the need to always be right, the need to control me, everything was always my fault. I am a very independent woman so you can imagine my reaction to this.

About 5 years into the marriage we moved to his parents 10 acre property up in the mountains of Washington state. Upon reflection, this was the beginning of my nightmare. Shortly after the move he got a DUI and lost his job (and hasn't worked since.) THAT was the true beginning of his downward spiral. His parents have supported us financially ever since. I was not allowed to work. He would always find a way to dissuade me from trying to bring home an income. I now see that anything I did that involved me leaving the property was a threat to him.

When I did assert my independence, I was accused of cheating. Going to visit my family was somehow a way to get out of the house and away from him to be unfaithful. He even went as far as accusing me of starring in a pornographic movie! Another habit, along with smoking Marijuana, was his constant viewing of online porn. My life had become a living hell.

As I stated, I left many times only to be reeled back in with promises of change. Had I known what I know now, this would not have lasted 13 years.

There are many more instances of mental and psychological abuse I have endured, but as I have discovered this is quite common. I am lucky that physical abuse never occurred. However, I think it was just a matter of time as fights began to escalate with this last time him threatening to kill me.

I am now in a safe place. I just got a job and a place to live. I still have no vehicle and left with nothing but the clothes on my back, but I have faith in my Savior.

The emotional pain I feel is sometimes unbearable and everything in me still wants to go back. What is wrong with me?

@ifoundme First, welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you have found this forum to be able to express yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a strong lady, you have been able to move on. You are in a safe place, you have a job and place to live. It will take time to get more clothes for your back. That will come. But it is a daily challenge, physically/emotionally/mentally, right? You might not know what to expect on any given day. Before, when you were in the other situation, you pretty much understood how things would go, even if they were not to your liking or to your benefit. So, now it might feel uncomfortable, because it is all still new.

This I speak from my own experience. Give yourself the grace of "congratulations! I am doing this on my own!" Be gentle on yourself. Trudge each day, and it will get easier. This I know. And, we are all here for you.
Ginger

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. It helps so much to know there is support here. This is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But I am excited for my future.

There is nothing wrong with feeling so much pain after what you have been through. Have you thought about seeing a good counselor? Some of these things seem too much to handle on your own. There is also grief that comes from the loss of your marriage you have worked so hard on. It takes time to get through the pain of all of this so try to go easy on yourself. Best of luck.

Never go back!
In awhile you will wonder why you stayed as long a you did.
It is a much better time for women on their own. You will make
friends & develop a new life. Make the most of your freedom
and do find a good therapist......maybe start at your local senior center.
Congratulations on your bravery!