I just left a 13 year long marriage with an undiagnosed narcissist. I have left several times but this feels like the end. I will add that I am an empath which adds a very interesting dynamic. This time I decided to seek information about why my marriage is always in turmoil. What I uncovered blew me away. I did not realize that my husband is, without question, a narcissist. I have heard the term but never really paid much attention to the horrors of being in a relationship with one. Everything I have and am experiencing now makes sense. On one hand I am relieved to know that I am not crazy or irrational. On the other I am beyond heartbroken to know my marriage is most likely over.

Our love story started like many others; two people who loved each other and decided to make it for a lifetime. He exhibited no sign of what was to come. Gradually, alarming behaviors began to manifest; the need to always be right, the need to control me, everything was always my fault. I am a very independent woman so you can imagine my reaction to this.

About 5 years into the marriage we moved to his parents 10 acre property up in the mountains of Washington state. Upon reflection, this was the beginning of my nightmare. Shortly after the move he got a DUI and lost his job (and hasn't worked since.) THAT was the true beginning of his downward spiral. His parents have supported us financially ever since. I was not allowed to work. He would always find a way to dissuade me from trying to bring home an income. I now see that anything I did that involved me leaving the property was a threat to him.

When I did assert my independence, I was accused of cheating. Going to visit my family was somehow a way to get out of the house and away from him to be unfaithful. He even went as far as accusing me of starring in a pornographic movie! Another habit, along with smoking Marijuana, was his constant viewing of online porn. My life had become a living hell.

As I stated, I left many times only to be reeled back in with promises of change. Had I known what I know now, this would not have lasted 13 years.

There are many more instances of mental and psychological abuse I have endured, but as I have discovered this is quite common. I am lucky that physical abuse never occurred. However, I think it was just a matter of time as fights began to escalate with this last time him threatening to kill me.

I am now in a safe place. I just got a job and a place to live. I still have no vehicle and left with nothing but the clothes on my back, but I have faith in my Savior.

The emotional pain I feel is sometimes unbearable and everything in me still wants to go back. What is wrong with me?