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@ksad

Yes! There seems to be a sort of second reckoning when the positives that come with getting a prescribed drug out of your life are replaced with symptoms that say you cant manage without them. I feel like I survived something awful and broke free but the dark starts taking over again and I blame myself for not doing it right, not doing life right. I am not sleeping enough (10 hrs?), not eating as I should (not totally 100% clean), not avoiding triggers ( family, responsibilities, work issues all still exist), and not exercising enough. I feel awful and I was supposed to be better.

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Replies to "Yes! There seems to be a sort of second reckoning when the positives that come with..."

Interestingly, my mind is doing well in clarity of thought and even in decision making. My brain and body are the ones taking the real beating right now.
I've been uncharacteristically hyper-disciplined in my diet too! (pre-biotic/pro-biotic/fermented/non-red meat and cruelty-free protein sources) balanced diet. SAM-e twice a day, melatonin when needed (lately), daily meditation, stretching, yoga, frequent walking and almost every conscious thought resolves on a positive note even if it didn't begin as one (no matter how long it takes). Plus, I'm facing and accepting my life like I've never done before and am growing exponentially because of it!
Ultimately though, I fear that even with this herculean effort to rid myself of this dependency, the crushing withdrawal symptoms of 'wanting to crawl out of my skin' feeling to 'brain slams' may be too much for me to function normally. I really thought after 8 weeks being dose-free, I would be over these horrible withdrawal symptoms. I'm trying to rid myself in every way imaginable but to no avail.I will keep trying as long as I can though! Be well now ksad!