I'm off effexor for about a month now. I've had slowly dissipating "brain buzzing", which now is very low. I'm still emotional, also slowly abating--I just watched "the Blind side" with my son last night and was pretty teary. My kids find it funny--we just laugh at it. Most notable is the difference in energy I have between before and after. I walk about 5 km every day trying to lose the muffin top on my belly.

I'm praying for all of you to cope with depression/anxiety/medication that's suitable for you and/or trying to wean off it. I first experienced depression and anxiety at 16 and it terrified me. I never felt so alone in my life. I remember telling my parents that I wanted to see a psychiatrist and it felt like I was telling them that I was a serial killer--it felt like I was asking for something that would become a deep family secret. Now, at 55, I'm a high school teacher and I openly tell my students about what I've been through and how it had such a oppressive effect on my youth. There's a much better supply of medication to address such dark feelings now and I don't want any of my kids to be going through this alone. My parents got me an appointment with a psychiatrist, which was absolutely horrible. I thought I would lie on a couch and talk while he'd unravel some dark thing inside me and I would be cured. Live and learn. He had no time to talk, laughed at one point, and wrote me two prescriptions: one, for an antidepressant (whose name I can't remember) and one of an anti-anxiety medication (ativan). I would wish either of these two medications on no one, not even my worst enemy. The antidepressant made me so sleepy I couldn't stay awake and the ativan helped anxiety somewhat but made me a basket case if I missed a pill. I never thought I would live to this age, go to university, have romantic relationships, have children or a job. I didn't think I would live this long. I had come to terms that a regular life was no longer in the picture and that I would soon be institutionalized and spent the rest of my days in a psych ward. Miraculously, I suffered through it for about two years and it disappeared as mysteriously as it appeared in the first place. Over the next few decades it was always there, in a far diminished state--just enough to remind me to "not get to comfortable". At age 39, my mother was dying of cancer and I was going through a relentless battle to see my newly born son as his mother was trying to keep me from him. My doctor put me on effexor and I realized that medical profession had come a long way since my teens. I tried to quit cold turkey a few times and, each time, thought I was losing my mind. My friend, who had become a psychiatrist, said that I would have to wean off effexor. It didn't make sense to me because, I thought, "won't that just be like a somewhat lesser torture drawn out over several weeks. I started weaning years later (this last February), tapered it down and now I feel great.

I hadn't plan on writing such an autobiography at this time. I just sincerely wish all of you the best. I've known several people who take AD's or anxiety cocktails and many have struggled with finding the right recipe by trial and error. Depression, anxiety and often the medication that goes with it can have a debilitating effect that is not understandable to those that have not experienced it. Other people seem to think that depression makes you feel sad all the time and anxiety makes you feel like you've just drank 10 cups of coffee. I had a group of students in my English class that did a presentation about depression: they laughed and subtly mocked those with depression, saying that those with depression just "need God in their lives" and implied that they just feel sorry for themselves. Another student outed himself in the class as one who experiences depression and they condescendingly patted him on the back and said "it's okay", with a smirk. I was apoplectic. I told them that they had no idea what they were talking about and gave my life story. After class I talked to my student that had depression and he understood that they had no idea what they were talking about. I then gave a free lesson on meditation to any students that were interested. Meditation has helped tremendously at keeping depression at bay.

Whether you want to continue medication, consider it or go off it, please do not be afraid to do what is necessary. Nothing is permanent. There are great days in store for you and it doesn't have to ruin your life. I hope that, one day, you'll look back at such dark times, like I have, and say "Thank God I fought through it."

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