I haven't posted in a while..need to reach out for support.. i've been off effexor and all ssri medication since feb 19th 2020. I'd love to report that finally things have improved, but I cannot do this. i suspect it has something to do with the fact that i've been on ssri's for 22+ years and that it will take more time. I recall when the withdrawals ended, but then something else set in.. is this the new me now?..To make a long story short.. even tho my taper was planned since 2017, i feel like it could not have happened at a worse time. Not only is this kind of a once in a lifetime thing (covid) but i couldn't have known to check the CDC website before starting taper.. just terrible, terrible luck.. and i'm sorry to dump this all out here but it has to come out... taper started fed 19th, 1month into taper, shit got serious with covid and i'm like uhh.. i've already stopped for a month, i should soldier on.. keep in mind i have ocd/obsessive thinking also... but after finally getting over the initial 2 weeks withdrawal from effexor XR, i started getting panic attacks (sometimes 4 in a row) in the middle of the night and anxiety, depersonalisation/derealisation (DPDR) and comorbid visual problems, all of this perpetuates panic and anxiety to levels i deem i've never had before. vicious cycle. i can't put my finger on it, but i have problems focusing, i don't know, it's like my eyes run at a lower frame rate than they used to.., i'm also hyper aware of bodily sensations, like a colarbone i broke when i was 15.. on the OCD front, "love ocd," or relationshiop ocd, where you question your love for your partner all the time.. which makes me question my entire 20year relationship and support pillar in this critical time of healing. i wonder now if we should even be together 🙁 and sleep.., but since a few days off effexor, sleeping is difficult, i'm lucky if i get 4 hours if any at all..and the days where i get no sleep, are awful days of anxiety/panic. Not to mention parenting fulltime now, and keeping a job, which i can luckily work from home..(i'm almost 43) there was a few times where i though i was packing my bag and going to a local crisis center, leaving mylife partner and 2 your boys behind..

Overall i'd like to dump the things that are on my mind.

anxiety/panic attacks
depersonalisation, derealization perpetuated by visual problems (sometimes feel disconnected from surroundings, terrifying) nothing feels real
feel stuck in my head, trapped
OCD/ obsessive thinking
jittery, always have to move some part of my body, especially when anxious
(relationship ocd, as it's a big one)
lately, dark depression on occasion.
due to covid, lacking real support, getting away to visit family for support and anything that goes with it.
guilt from not wanting to spend time with kids
stuck at home, can't get out to heal, go somewhere...

my options are the following:
Keeping fighting the fight, soldier on, put up with it all in hopes it goes away. (could take months as per psychologist)
Referral to a psychiatrist in the works (months delay)
prescription of Celexa waiting for me
Prescription of trazadone waiting for me, (which i may try for sleep..) any thoughts?
CUrrently using ativan as needed, but i hate this knowing how addiction it is.. and especially since my whole point was to come OFF meds..

I never though coming off SSRI's would present so many problems, even some not related.. I'm not one who usually scares easily, but this DPDR and visual thing scare the crap out of me and drives up anxiety.... Having said this.. i realize ALOT of this is perspective, but for me, that's in the gutter at the moment... I'm being torn apart by "should i just go back on SSRI's now and get some relief".. or keep fighting, i've already done 1.2months by myself. and if i go back in 3 months, will i just be like, "why did i wait so long"..

i'm seeing psychologist (holistic) who is guiding me reminding me of my decisions and techniques, and everything i've learned over the years. (diet, self care, exercise, hormones, (on TRT also) and thyroid)
my family gP, and pharmacist..
and waiting for psychiatrist referral.

Anyone else out there get off meds successfully after 20+ years? can be any SSRI. because right now, the toughest thing, is having no hope.. not knowing if this is even possible, no light.. and if i have to go back on, the side effects of being back on, and long term effects.. all concern me..

thanks i know this is a kindof rant, and a little erradic,

thanks for reading.